It's OK, I can have my life back now.

I am writing this post to document how I am feeling right now, although you may be reading this at a somewhat later date (now Thursday) when I feel ready to post it. Hopefully I have been able to publish this with a happy title containing the words it's OK.. but I don't know what will happen just yet.

Sunday 14th October;

As you could probably tell from past posts I have been feeling on top of the world and getting back to work and exercise and making plans again when a thunderbolt has just came out of the unexpected and has hit me completely off my feet. I have had what I am calling a "Cancer Scare" and I really am; scared that is!

A random opticians appointment on Tuesday 9th October made to check whether I needed glasses as my eyesight after chemo is not what it once was has sent my world into turmoil. After testing my eyes the optician confirmed I didn't need glasses, however, he had noticed that my optic nerves were inflamed which could suggest some increase in pressure in my head and he would like to phone my GP and discuss this with him. So he phoned him there and then and after listening to words like "papilloedema" and "very much to the contrary" he said that the GP was going to phone my oncologist and I was to go home and he would call me later when he had discussed it with my oncologist who might want to see me. At this point I didn't think much of it except... "ooh I may have a bit of hypertension, better take my pressurised head home then".

However I arrived home to a phone call I didn't expect. The GP had talked to my oncologist and they were a bit surprised to hear about this and wanted to see me in clinic 2 days later. He then spent 10 minutes on the phone discussing what could be causing this intracranial pressure. It wasn't nice listening. It could be several causes; Stroke or blood clot in the brain (which was unlikely as I had no other symptoms), early signs of MS, or just random hypertension that they could treat with steroids to preserve my sight. But then he came onto the thing I never in my wildest dreams imagined. With my past history they would be worried that there may be some mass swelling within my brain and causing the increased pressure. The cancer may be there.

I needed to get into see my oncologist. But first I would put the phone down, crumple on the stairs and burst into tears... not now, I felt so well, I was not ready for this!

So two days later on Thursday James and I were back in the place we had hoped we wouldn't be seeing for quite some time. Chemo clinic and seeing my consultant. He looked in my eyes and confirmed that it could just be some hypertension so he would put me onto steroids straight away (joy, oh joy!). However, they had to do some tests to check it wasn't anything suspicious. They would arrange me an urgent brain CT scan.

"how long will this take?"

"This afternoon I hope" Oh, S**t that's quick.

It turns out I couldn't go in until the next day. But turns out the brain CT scan was much like any other scan and took it in my stride - after all I had a spa retreat to get to. But, its quite scary thinking that my brain scan is out there somewhere and it has probably already been looked at and someone somewhere knows what the outcome for me it going to be. That's scary.

So now we wait.... results will come and then we will do what we need to. So for now I am feeling pretty resigned and don't really feel much about it right now.

Wednesday 17th October;

Limbo......

That's how I feel right now. I have spent the last few days feeling sick in my stomach. It's just nerves and that gives me butterflies... which reminds me I have something big to worry about and that gets me more nervous and sick. It's a viscous circle. I have tried to go into work and throw my mind onto that and that has worked OK. I haven't told anyone, and for that I am sorry, but telling people makes it real and I don't want it to be real.

I went to see a counsellor on Monday too. It was totally coincidence that I had this appointment. My breast care nurse had made this appointment for me some time ago to coincide with my return to work. She said that the time when people feel most down and struggle can be the getting back to normal time, when you are expected to bounce back but it doesn't quite work like that. So she referred me to clinical psychology. I went for an assessment 2 weeks ago and basically went through my case and told her how on top of the world I was feeling, enthusiastic to get back to work and normality and how I didn't really feel like I would need these sessions. However, we made a second appointment for this week to complete the assessment where I could decide if I wanted to continue. This weeks appointment couldn't be further from how I went in last time. I needed it, I just needed to voice to someone how scared I was. My biggest fear is that I don't know how I am going to bounce back from this. My whole return to work had been arranged on an optimistic timescale with occupational health because I felt so up for it. It hinged on me being able to happily throw myself into it. Now I am scared I have lost that enthusiasm and excitement and the want to get on with everything. I feel so tired now. I don't know if , all things being OK, I will be able to pick myself back up to the sheer happiness I felt around the time of my party and holiday. But I guess I will do. I hope I get the chance to find out if I can put a little blip of a scare behind me. I hope it is just a scare, although in my heart right now on the night before the results I am not so sure. I will know tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a very long day.

Thursday 18th October;
Its clear! The brain scan looks normal and does not show any tumour masses in my brain.
That's all I need to hear. Relief floods over me. OK so we need to work out what is causing the pressure on my optic nerve and so I will be referred to an eye doctor. But compared to a brain tumour other causes are just so not my problem right now. I can stop the steroids. Yippeeee I hate steroids 7 days of 8mg/day of steroids had left me puffy and flushed, made me have a funny taste in my mouth and eat like there is no tomorrow. I will stop them right now.
I can also have my life back again. James and I had switched right back into the limbo world of not knowing whether we could book anything or do anything because I may have to start treatment again. We wanted to book flights to go to San Fransisco but just couldn't be sure we could go. So now I can start thinking of life again and make some plans. I am going to try and put this all behind me. Although right now I am feeling a little overwhelmed and spaced out. I will just let the news sink in for a little while this evening and perhaps book those flights afterall.