I'm oh so tired!

I'm struggling.

I just feel so exhausted all the time these days. Today it's 12 o'clock and I've just woken up and I will probably spend much of today in my PJ's. I am working Monday, Thursday and Friday which gives me Tuesday and Wednesday to recuperate mid week. I need it; a simple overnight sleep doesn't seem to recharge my batteries these days.
I seem to be finding it harder mentally to deal with than going through much of chemo (I am sure it probably isn't but that's how I am feeling right now). My body just isn't living up to my expectations and won't do even the simplest things... like staying awake on my second day in work on the trot on Fridays - I end up a walking zombie on these days with my eyes so sore, tired and squinty. Monday and Thursday's at least I can function - all be it sleepily, but Fridays I literally have closed my eyes and almost fallen asleep while walking into work. Now that's just weird!

I watched the Kylie documentary this weekend. Miss Minogue started her tour about 5 months from where I am now (so I have a few months reprieve yet before needing to start my own world tour!). It was reassuring to see even Miss Minogue got tired; she fell asleep on a rug straight after her first tour and the way she described how tired her body was at that point just rang so true. She described that time as a battleground with her own body - oh how I feel like that... mentally I am up for getting back on track but physically I am not quite managing it. It's just getting me so down.

I just have a couple of weeks left of battling on and then I go to San Fransisco and then it's Christmas and then I will be better! I WILL be.

Page 11 girl!

My glittering media career has just taken off..... I have been featured in the Yorkshire Post! Sadly other news event took precedent over my appearance on Look North News last night, but I will settle for the paper instead...
What am I babbling on about.... this;


That's Me!!!!!
My local Macmillan centre contacted me earlier in the week to see if they could put my name forward to the Macmillan press office to kick start a new campaign they are launching this week. The campaign is to highlight issues affecting working and cancer and because I had always said my work were very supportive they thought of me! They said it helps to have a "face" to put to the story and it would help exposure for the charities campaign if I could give an interview. I didn't realise when I said yes it was to go on the telly! Yikes! they wanted to interview me for the 6 o'clock news! However, these things move quickly and next minute they chose another feature. Boo, I quite wanted to go on the telly after all. However, the Yorkshire Post contacted me instead and asked to talk to me. So I did, and here is the result; Page 11 of the Yorkshire Post.
You can read all about me at; http://www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/features/The-cancer-patients-who-face.3507056.jp

I am just off down the newsagents to buy a few copies.

Sleep.

Well, pretty much over these last few weeks my time has either been spent sleeping or thinking about sleep. I have been doing 3 slightly reduced days at work per week for a couple of weeks now and finding it really hard going. I had hoped to be up to 4 days in the next couple of weeks but after admitting that I was struggling it has been agreed that I should slow down my return to work. I may do more working from home or perhaps do a few less hours and hopefully that should mean I will have more control over life outside of work. Being so tired all the time has really got me down this last week and I don't want to arrange to do anything outside of work just so that I can take it easy and catch up on kip. I really can't keep that up long term, hence slowing down the return to work.

But, through working normality seems to be returning.
You would therefore think that I would want to put breast cancer far behind me and move on. Oh no, not me!!!! This weekend I have been to a younger women's forum run by breast cancer care. It was a 2 day event with talks on medical updates, diet and exercise after treatment, fertility and adoption, coping with uncertainty, and of course the mini makeover and mini manicures. I was put up in a hotel for a night in Leeds and there was an evening meal to get to know other women. I was able to meet others who had finished treatment about the same time as me and was reassured that how I am feeling at the moment is normal; most are not planning on going back to work till the new year so I am doing pretty well. I was still almost the youngest there even though it was supposed to be a younger women's forum - the majority being in their 40's. It was a really fab weekend all in all, especially after I had umm-ed and ahh-ed about going as it was time to move on, but I am really glad I went.

I also have signed up as a Macmillian patient volunteer to get involved in various things for them. My first assignment has just been sent to me in the post. I am to read and review the book "Breast Cancer for Dummies" so they can know whether it is useful, reliable, interesting and whether I would recommend it to others etc.

I have only started on a few pages so far. It seems like it will be quite good and its refreshing seeing it in the "for dummies" format. However, I am already getting annoyed by the "American-ness" of the book; talking about cheerleading squads and yes ma'am's and general American biased things. Grrr, it's really annoying but well a reviewers work is never done and I must just read-past that!

One Year On.

It's my anniversary today!

one year ago today I went to get my biopsy results and got the shock of a lifetime.

But, rather than get all melancholy about what a big year it has been... I feel like celebrating all the great things that have come of this...

Firstly, I now have a bank of wigs for any future fancy dress parties I get invited to... my costumes will be based around which wig I can bring out of retirement
(who am I? if you have been watching Heros... "Save the Cheerleader, Save the world!", James is Arthur Dent from HHGTTG - "Don't Panic!").

The other things are all going to sound really corny.. but;

I feel I have learnt a lot about myself and have surprised myself that I am actually quite strong to get through this and I have just got on with it really (not that you can do much else).

James and I have been made stronger - not that we were not close or strong before but in some ways we have got through this together, never once wishing the other would have acted in some other way or said something else, not once with a bad word to one another. We know we can face anything in the future now.

I've made new friends. This may sound silly but I have got to know others who have had breast cancer, especially younger girls and although the circumstances I have got to know them are not what you would wish for it's nice to know they are out there. I've recently enjoyed a lovely evening out over dinner and a couple of glasses of wine with my new breast-friend Sarah which i really enjoyed. Long may that friendship last!

Breast cancer is now a part of me. It has shaped who I am now and who I will be in the future. I am certainly not going to shut this year off and never talk about it again, I am quite proud of getting through this. In some ways I am a different person with slightly different worries now. But I still let the little things worry me and I still can enjoy a good gossip about the trivial things in life!