Grand Designs!

Well, I am sitting here happily watching Grand Designs on channel 4. Tonights is based in my village don't you know! I have often gone for a little walk along the lane to have a nosey at what they are doing. Our Hog roast people from the wedding even catered for their (almost) finished party... I wonder if they will be on.... oooh I love seeing my village on the telly, it's so exciting.

Lunch date.

It's amazing how much better you can feel when you have a reason to stop sitting around on your bottom.

Today I had a lunch date with my friend Ruth(seen here with apple pie in the Naked Man cafe in Settle - my new favorite tea room haunt). I am still feeling a little sickly and drained but the cake helped take my mind of it no end. So, I think I may be starting to pick up again and I am definitely not feeling so sorry for myself anymore.

Bit fed up now.

Feeling yucky :(
Suppose I have come down off my steroid "pick-me-up" now and am just feeling icky, sickly, restless yet completely drained. Generally poo! All I have done all day is try eating to take away the sickly uneasy feeling. Feel quite fed up - hence this little moan (but then I guess it is day 6 again and feeling fed up is becoming a bit of a habit at this point of my cycle - it will pass tomorrow and I will be all up and at it again I am sure). Feeling spaced out when I try to do anything and my body is generally starting to ache down to my bones (which it probably is as my bone marrow tries to deal with the massive cell death going on). So more fun in the chemo household!

This weekend hasn't been too bad really. I managed to even try and do a spot of cooking and baking which has included blueberry jam muffins and celeriac and tomato soup... what a domestic goddess I am!
However, today I have also been to my GP and got myself signed off work on proper long term sick leave :( Feel a bit like I have admitted defeat, but on the other hand part of me feels relieved that I don't have to beat myself up about not being able to cope with work. I will just see how it goes from now on and if I manage anything then bonus! I guess I was probably a bit naive about the extent of fatigue that hits and thought I could carry on through... hmmmmm had to re-think that one slightly. So any ideas for a laid-back, no-energy-required hobby that I can start taking up then let me know.

Faring Fine.

Well, I am doing ok. These last 2 cycles I have bounced back a bit quicker than the first I think.
Thanks mainly to a large number of drugs I need to take to control things. I have got things organised this time with my own little chart of all the drugs I need to take and when I need to take them throughout the day. Much more in control of what I am doing so I am more relaxed about when to take my meds and have a little routine now. I am still suffering from being a bit of a bloater with my tummy swelling up again to pregnant lady proportions, and the indigestion is slightly there in the background in the mornings. But they hardly deserve a mention really.
I am still a bit slow during the day and walking downstairs takes some effort. But, I have been making sure I move downstairs for tea and telly in the evenings. My head may be a little clearer as I have managed to concentrate enough to read a bit of a book now and then through the day (thanks to Lydia for the trashy novels... they don't really require all that much concentration it must be said - so are perfect!). So generally coping just fine.

Now I feel like I am on chemo :(

Well, I have passed the quarter way through point and have been administered dose 3.

This last week it has been building and I now well and truly feel that I am on chemo. Fatigue has kicked in and my whole mindset about it has changed. I now have to plan to do one thing per day and save up my energy for that. I have to think beforehand that after an hour, or maybe two, tiredness will hit and so I will need to come back home for a nap. It just needs an hours recharge and I am OK again. I also have to plan to have myself a full-on relax day the day after I have allowed myself a trip out to do something otherwise I don't recharge properly.

Fatigue is a bit weird. Its not just sleepiness.... its hard to describe... but for completeness of reporting on my blog I will have a go. I start to feel a queasy sea-sickness feeling growing in my head which is the first sign I am going to flag. Then sentences become hard work and my ability to follow conversations slows down. I then start to get a heavy feeling in my body and all my limbs become heavy and hard to move. I feel walking becomes a bit like dragging my body along. But I am seriously scaling down what I can do from now on and will just go with the flow and it should hopefully become easier if I am not expecting so much or pushing myself as much. Plus, I think I will lend myself very well to slow pottering and the occasional cake baking and housewifely duty.

Yesterday my chemo nurses said I was doing really well. Apart from fatigue, other side effects are now being really well controlled and it's not that hard-going pain and suffering wise. She did tell me that the drugs I were getting were the most toxic and hard going of the chemo drugs they administered and said I was coping really well with it. She also told me that I must keep up with the high calorie diet (get in!... I am going to take this fully on board).

Now onto chemo dose 3. Hmmmmm... going into clinic for the last 2 doses wasn't too bad an experience really. This time it wasn't enjoyable (not that the others were but I was quite happy to have a giggle and a chat with the staff on the others and walked out like nothing had happened).

This time I went into chemo feeling drained and nauseous. At least on the others I had felt back close to normality ready for the next hit. So this time in clinic I was a bit tired and emotional and had a few moments. The pre-chemo nausea may have been anticipation nausea (in my head basically). I was into the chair around 11 this time and finishing off around 1. However I had to stick around a little longer because the cyclophosphamide was given a little bit too quickly right at the end and I got a huge head rush to accompany the funny nose feeling. This sent me into a semi-comatose state for 20 minutes so I had to have a little shut eye before I was able to attempt to stand up and leave. This eased but didn't really pass and so from that moment on I felt crappy and was straight to bed and sleeping for the afternoon. I had my nausea meds switched and started even earlier on these and perhaps I was slightly better with just the one vom session around 8pm but again had a good nights sleep and have woken up much clearer and free of serious nausea feelings. Hooray. Staying in bed though!!

Anyway, this may have sounded like one big moan session... I am just trying to tell it how it is and suprising my spirits are still riding high.

A little dash of normality.

I have just had a lovely weekend which consisted of relaxing.... eating.... drinking (just a spot of champagne for me) ....more relaxing... more eating... more drinking (perhaps just another small glass of champagne).... more relaxing and more eating combined. Lovely! Thank you Ade and Sarah (a.k.a Bestman and bridesmaid). Thanks too to the Kavs for popping over with the trivial pursuit.

oh and yes, that is my Husband and Ade dressed up in my wigs... they enjoyed it a little too much.

Complementary Therapies

This week I have been trying out complementary therapies, with varying degrees of success.

Firstly Reiki....the laying of hands on certain points of the body to generate a healing energy in the body..... or something like that! hummmmm.... not entirely sure its for me.

At the very least it is a nice 45 minutes relaxation to nice soft music and can't do any harm... and I did feel heat from her hands... but I don't think it really worked for me on this occasion. It might have something to do with the fact that I went in there feeling pretty rotten and so came out pretty drained too (a look in the mirror confirmed this!!!). Or it could be due to the fact that I had trouble relaxing my mind. But I don't think that was entirely my fault - just as I was reaching a nice state of relaxation my focus was bought back the the room when the lady belched!!!! yes, belched and twice... we both ignored the fact and just carried on. But for now I don't think Reiki is for me.

Later in the week I tried another session of Reflexology and this I have to say is very nice. On this occasion the pressure was a little harder which was still quite nice, I felt she was doing something as well as just massaging my feet. I came out feeling much more energised and whether it was this or just the fact that I have been taking a bit more care of myself as the week progressed, but my energy levels have definitely been picking back up. I had an initial drop at the start of the week when I didn't take my own advice on board and attempted a little too much on Monday (I didn't think it was too much at the time) and then flopped as a result.... so I really, really, really have to remember that next time! But, I will be signing myself up to regular reflexology from now on.

treat of the day....

...manicure!

What a lovely hand massage and bit of a pamper I had today with a manicure at the Robert Ogden Centre (yes free again.... but I am popping a bit of spare change in the donations box every time I go!). I am now sporting dark burgundy nails, which I think go very well with today's choice of hair and hat combo (dark brown hair and burgundy trilby).

I have very successfully mixed popping my head into work for several hours with this little treat today. Admittedly, I have come home a bit drained but nothing a cup of tea and a sit down in front of Richard and Judy hasn't put right.

This weekend I also went out for lunch with a friend to Settle nearby us on Saturday and had a little potter round a few shops. I was quite surprised that all we did was gossip and sit and eat lunch followed by cakes and at most 4 shops... but boy, I had to admit that I was quite tired out at the end of the day. What a light-weight!! However, it may just be a case of needing more practice to bring the shopping stamina back up to scratch ;-D

So you all want to see my bald head, huh?

Well, I am not that brave!!!!! well.. not yet anyway :D

There's a slight difference between liking it myself and not wanting to scare young children (although I think I may have to make it my mission to read Roald Dahl "The Witches" to a group of little kids... and then at the end lift off my wig and see what happens :D ).

Today is a good day!!!! Everything seems to have cleared and I can concentrate for longer than half an hour. So I am making the most of it and catching up on some work to get my brain active again and it feels really really good. Once I reach this "clear" stage I can look back and easily see what a difference a day makes.

Who dear? Me dear?

How very dare you!

Temptation proved too much when James had the clippers out this evening. It's gone, and it feels great. I have moles on my head I didn't even know about and I must admit I quite like my head baldy. I've still got some light stubby hairs left but generally I think I am now what is called a slap-head :)

I could hardly touch my head before and now I just can't stop stroking it. prrrrrr.

3 Months!

3 Months.... that's how long I have known I have had breast cancer. I promise I won't always come on here and list how long it has been- sympathy might wear thin... but 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years are all going to be pretty important disease-free milestones from now on (although whether I will ever be able to say that I am disease free I am not so sure - I don't think it really works like that... disease free for now I guess). Anyway, whatever it might throw at me again in the future I will just do exactly the same as now and fight it tooth and claw! so nerrr! There is no doubt I will be having a big 40 (scary!).

It is hard to believe it has only been 3 months... I am completely different at this point now though. I don't cry now. Looking back on the first month I have to admit I cried quiet a bit.. mainly on my poor unsuspecting work colleagues. Now I am pretty sorted about the whole disease thing if I do say so myself (although occasionally when I have to face another thing or make another decision it seems like it's all a bit much - but that ain't that often). It certainly feels like it has been so much longer though.

This time round I have quickly got over "Guilt Monday" as I am going to be calling Day 6 from now on. I sat down and told myself that these drugs in my system are making my hair fall out and destroying my blood cells so I think a little sitting around and taking care of myself is not all that selfish really.. besides if I get up too quickly I go dizzy). Since then I have picked up no end (in part due to the make up I must confess) but today has been another good day. I have had some reflexology from a lady in the village... ummmm relaxing foot massage..... I have made a bumper batch of winter veg soup (a triumph).... I have tried a bit of work... I have fitted in a little rest and time to read a few pages of a book. So all in all have managed to fill up the day very successfully without too much fatigue. Roll on the weekend.

Look Good, Feel Better!

Look at all my lovely make-up!
Christian Dior... Clinique.... YvesSaintLaurent ...Lancome.... Estee Lauder..... Maybelline (yeah short changed on the mascara really!!!) and much much more.


Today, I managed to overcome the tiredness (funny that!) and dragged myself to a Look Good, Feel Better afternoon for cancer ladies. I had an afternoon of putting on make-up with beauticians and got this lovely goody-bag to take home. It certainly made me feel much better! All put on at the good old Robert Ogden Macmillan Centre in Leeds - my new favourite place (where I go for all my free massages, reflexology, manicures that also make me feel much much better).

So the score on the Cack-o-Graph is going to be quite high today due to having spent most of the day feeling a bit excitable (in a slow sort of way!). It's amazing how a little bit of taking your mind off things can perk you up no end.

Malinger-er!

Now, am I chemo-drained or just feeble??? I don't know!!!

But today I have been a bit pathetic again. I can remember I hit this wall last time round... where I felt like I should be picking up and becoming a useful member of society again... only I didn't really have it in me to do anything about it!!
I know it passed quickly last time when I made myself do a few tasks for the week and started getting out walking to the shop etc... but I wonder if I will always get this little "hurdle" to get over .

Anyway, I did really try to get up today, honest I did. I even popped out to the village post office for an errand... but I just felt so spaced out and queasy I came home straight into bed. If I was at deaths door then I am sure that would be easier because I would feel justified in going to bed for the afternoon... but I can't say I am that bad, just really not right; bit achy, bit headachy, bit tired, bit drained, just a bit - oh-I-don't-know! So I feel like I am in some no-man's-land. Grrrrrrrr.

Everything else is panning out exactly the same as last time in that I feel like I am coming down with tonsillitis - I guess that could be related to the fact that my immune system is probably taking it's worst pummeling at the moment so is just letting me know about it. I have the horrible taste in my mouth.... which seems only to be taken away by constantly eating (you should have seen me standing in the kitchen shoveling crisps into my mouth earlier - what a sight).

Tomorrow will be the first time when I have to deal with taking my head out into public. I have an appointment to go to (will post all the info about that tomorrow - but just to say it's an exciting appointment not a poo one - fingers crossed I will have the energy). Not sure what I will throw on but needless to say it needs something. The whole hair loss thing has been hitting with a vengeance the last few days. I didn't think it possible to loose sooooooooooo much hair! I sit here and just have them falling in droves into my lap. I am eating them off my pillow at night... and heavens forbid if I put my hand to my head- woooah chunks of it come out! I have taken over from the cats in the moulting stakes and I think the Dyson will be given a run for its money. I have loads of baldy patches now. I know it sounds gross... but in reality it is more intriguing than horrid and I haven't felt fazed by it. What a pre-emptive shopping spree can do hey!

So now I can truly say I am pretty bald (or as I am going to prefer to start looking at it - bald but pretty!)

Doing OK!

Well, I am doing okay this time round. After the initial night of nausea and vomiting, the last 2-3 days have been much better controlled than last cycle. I have been taking lots of pills so they seem to have kept off the nausea and terrible cramps of the last cycle and my head may even be a little clearer this time round. I still haven't been up to much and spent most of yesterday asleep. But I am hoping things will continue to pick up and I can start thinking about getting up and pottering around the house a bit more. The weather is so sunny here today that I made myself get dressed and popped into the garden to get a breath of fresh air for just 5 minutes. I couldn't have contemplated that last cycle so things must be a little better. But, I am still being extra careful to make sure not to try too much as I still feel very weak and I plan to lounge around some more for the weekend coming. However, I have now reached CSI saturation and so will have to start on some other programmes I have recorded on the digital box next!