Cold, phah!

I laugh in the face of colds these days!

It is pretty much on the way out. However, I am still pretty feeble and have had to stay at home today after going into work yesterday has left me a little tired and headachey. The return to work has not been going as well as I had hoped. What with one thing and another..... the clinic appointments, scans, worrying myself silly, catching a cold.... I have hardly done more than 1-2 days a week so far. I had wanted to be doing 3 regular days by now, but I seem to be just grabbing them when I can.
Next week the 3 day week begins properly.....

I must be ill!

Today, I cancelled my manicure at the Robert Ogden Macmillan centre.

I must be ill!

A common cold!

I seem to have caught what it known as "A Common Cold"!

I haven't had a cold for ages and that's pretty good going with my immune system over the last year. It's actually quite refreshing to be sufferring from something bog standard and so I have been snuggling myself up in bed enjoying feeling royally sorry for myself and trying to self medicate myself with everything under the sun to get rid of it quickly. Any old wives tales I should be trying??? Think I have licked the worst of it though and am getting better already.

Bouncing back

I am bouncing back slowly but surely after last weeks storm-in-a-tea cup (I can say that now - it didn't feel that trivial at the time).
It's quite freaky at this particular moment because I am lying in bed with a bit of a sore throat watching This Morning and listening to an item about a lady who went to the opticians for a routine eye test who was diagnosed with a brain tumour because they saw swelling of the optic nerve at the back of the eye. Erm... well that's just a bit freaky.... luckily mine isn't a brain tumour but it shows it wasn't all that far fetched!

I am finding it hard to jump back after last week. Perhaps it's just because I am slightly under the weather. But it all shocked me deeper than I thought possible, deeper than going and getting my original lump results. I think in some ways with breast tumours you can just cut-it-out or lop-it-off but when you start talking about brain tumours that sounds scary - is it operable? do you have to have brain radiation? Is this it?
I think the main thing that hit me was that up to now I have had hope; we cut out the lump and it's gone and I am to be one of the lucky ones who goes on for 10 years and is never worried by it again. However, suddenly I was faced with the idea that I might not be so lucky, that it might have spread and was no longer "curable" (if it ever is!) and we would have to start talking time-scales.
Thankfully it was all nothing and I've popped back into the "hope" category just-like-that. So no more thinking like that for me, just looking forward now.

This is the way it is going to be from now on. Any sysmptom I present with that could be "cancer spread" will have to be investigated. Whereas in any old normal person cancer would be the last port of call in eliminating possible causes, with my past history I am now always going to be fast tracked into cancer world. I expect they won't all be as scary as this particular scare. After all I have been sent for bone scans to check for spread before and that didn't feel anywhere quite as serious. But this is me now. Hyperchondriac central!

It's OK, I can have my life back now.

I am writing this post to document how I am feeling right now, although you may be reading this at a somewhat later date (now Thursday) when I feel ready to post it. Hopefully I have been able to publish this with a happy title containing the words it's OK.. but I don't know what will happen just yet.

Sunday 14th October;

As you could probably tell from past posts I have been feeling on top of the world and getting back to work and exercise and making plans again when a thunderbolt has just came out of the unexpected and has hit me completely off my feet. I have had what I am calling a "Cancer Scare" and I really am; scared that is!

A random opticians appointment on Tuesday 9th October made to check whether I needed glasses as my eyesight after chemo is not what it once was has sent my world into turmoil. After testing my eyes the optician confirmed I didn't need glasses, however, he had noticed that my optic nerves were inflamed which could suggest some increase in pressure in my head and he would like to phone my GP and discuss this with him. So he phoned him there and then and after listening to words like "papilloedema" and "very much to the contrary" he said that the GP was going to phone my oncologist and I was to go home and he would call me later when he had discussed it with my oncologist who might want to see me. At this point I didn't think much of it except... "ooh I may have a bit of hypertension, better take my pressurised head home then".

However I arrived home to a phone call I didn't expect. The GP had talked to my oncologist and they were a bit surprised to hear about this and wanted to see me in clinic 2 days later. He then spent 10 minutes on the phone discussing what could be causing this intracranial pressure. It wasn't nice listening. It could be several causes; Stroke or blood clot in the brain (which was unlikely as I had no other symptoms), early signs of MS, or just random hypertension that they could treat with steroids to preserve my sight. But then he came onto the thing I never in my wildest dreams imagined. With my past history they would be worried that there may be some mass swelling within my brain and causing the increased pressure. The cancer may be there.

I needed to get into see my oncologist. But first I would put the phone down, crumple on the stairs and burst into tears... not now, I felt so well, I was not ready for this!

So two days later on Thursday James and I were back in the place we had hoped we wouldn't be seeing for quite some time. Chemo clinic and seeing my consultant. He looked in my eyes and confirmed that it could just be some hypertension so he would put me onto steroids straight away (joy, oh joy!). However, they had to do some tests to check it wasn't anything suspicious. They would arrange me an urgent brain CT scan.

"how long will this take?"

"This afternoon I hope" Oh, S**t that's quick.

It turns out I couldn't go in until the next day. But turns out the brain CT scan was much like any other scan and took it in my stride - after all I had a spa retreat to get to. But, its quite scary thinking that my brain scan is out there somewhere and it has probably already been looked at and someone somewhere knows what the outcome for me it going to be. That's scary.

So now we wait.... results will come and then we will do what we need to. So for now I am feeling pretty resigned and don't really feel much about it right now.

Wednesday 17th October;

Limbo......

That's how I feel right now. I have spent the last few days feeling sick in my stomach. It's just nerves and that gives me butterflies... which reminds me I have something big to worry about and that gets me more nervous and sick. It's a viscous circle. I have tried to go into work and throw my mind onto that and that has worked OK. I haven't told anyone, and for that I am sorry, but telling people makes it real and I don't want it to be real.

I went to see a counsellor on Monday too. It was totally coincidence that I had this appointment. My breast care nurse had made this appointment for me some time ago to coincide with my return to work. She said that the time when people feel most down and struggle can be the getting back to normal time, when you are expected to bounce back but it doesn't quite work like that. So she referred me to clinical psychology. I went for an assessment 2 weeks ago and basically went through my case and told her how on top of the world I was feeling, enthusiastic to get back to work and normality and how I didn't really feel like I would need these sessions. However, we made a second appointment for this week to complete the assessment where I could decide if I wanted to continue. This weeks appointment couldn't be further from how I went in last time. I needed it, I just needed to voice to someone how scared I was. My biggest fear is that I don't know how I am going to bounce back from this. My whole return to work had been arranged on an optimistic timescale with occupational health because I felt so up for it. It hinged on me being able to happily throw myself into it. Now I am scared I have lost that enthusiasm and excitement and the want to get on with everything. I feel so tired now. I don't know if , all things being OK, I will be able to pick myself back up to the sheer happiness I felt around the time of my party and holiday. But I guess I will do. I hope I get the chance to find out if I can put a little blip of a scare behind me. I hope it is just a scare, although in my heart right now on the night before the results I am not so sure. I will know tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a very long day.

Thursday 18th October;
Its clear! The brain scan looks normal and does not show any tumour masses in my brain.
That's all I need to hear. Relief floods over me. OK so we need to work out what is causing the pressure on my optic nerve and so I will be referred to an eye doctor. But compared to a brain tumour other causes are just so not my problem right now. I can stop the steroids. Yippeeee I hate steroids 7 days of 8mg/day of steroids had left me puffy and flushed, made me have a funny taste in my mouth and eat like there is no tomorrow. I will stop them right now.
I can also have my life back again. James and I had switched right back into the limbo world of not knowing whether we could book anything or do anything because I may have to start treatment again. We wanted to book flights to go to San Fransisco but just couldn't be sure we could go. So now I can start thinking of life again and make some plans. I am going to try and put this all behind me. Although right now I am feeling a little overwhelmed and spaced out. I will just let the news sink in for a little while this evening and perhaps book those flights afterall.

Spoilt Rotten

I have just got back from a Divine weekend being pampered at Ragdale Hall Health Hydro in Leicestershire! Another wonderful charity called the Willow Foundation splashed out for a special day (actually weekend) out with my two close friends Josie and Marie. I wanted to say thanks to them both for being such fab friends from the very moment I found out I had breast cancer, for being there to support me and for understanding that going through chemo can mean being cut off from the outside world and rather than being given space and time to just get on with it, they understood the importance of keeping me in touch with girlie trips out and phone calls. So we all took ourselves off to be pampered for the weekend, and boy, what a weekend....



We arrive Friday afternoon to get ourselves straight into snuggly robes and off for a pedicure to prepare our toenails for a weekend on show. Then it was off for fabulous 3 course meal followed by coffee relaxing in a secluded corner. The next morning it was up for a lovely breakfast in our room and off out for a dip in the pool and chill out before I pootled off to get an pampering hand treatment followed by manicure to match my "Rampant Rose" toes.

More fabulous food followed for lunch and the afternoon was passed having a leg and thigh massage. But I didnt stop there.... Sat night was Champagne with dinner night and sunday was a 50 minute Clarins facial and also a quick eyebrow tidy up. As a result of the facial I happened to come home with a little goody bag of lovely creams, lotions and potions. Oh it felt so divine to be in such luxury - it really was a cut above. I cannot begin to tell you how much I needed it right now... mmmmmmm

Hair Update.

So how is the hair coming along? Actually very well and I think I need to go and get my first hair cut this week. How exciting. I am also going to be going and having my eyebrows shaped this coming weekend to make the most of having eyebrows again. But my most favorite of all is having eyelashes again, I may go out and treat myself to a nice new mascara to celelbrate.

Here are a couple of photos taken while on holiday to show how the hair is looking these days.

Another sucessful day at the office.

My second day back at work went just as swimmingly as the first. I am doing 2 days a week 9:30-4pm. It really felt like normality may be returning and I felt able to concentrate surprisingly well on the job in hand. I am almost chomping-at-the-bit to get back in and start increasing my hours, which I have to admit surprises even myself as just a mere few weeks ago I was a tad scared about how I was going to manage..... but I have come on leaps-and-bounds since then. I appreciate that it is early days yet and the novelty may well wear off and tiredness may get harder to deal with. I am very tired during the evenings after being in work, but it's a good tired - a tiredness borne out of doing something productive not just because of an illness - which is fab.

This week I have also done my first exercise class; an evening aqua aerobics class. I managed pretty well (although I did mainly bob up and down in the water for the whole time rather than doing much in the way of exercise). My arm has also been left quite weedy after surgery and I struggled to push the floats down under the water and therefore I did it using my own hands as just enough resistance for now :D
It's such a nice thing being able to go swimming again. I was advised against it during chemotherapy due to all the nasty little bugs I could come into contact with while my immune system was low. Then during and after radiotherapy the chlorine could have upset my skin. SO finally during my holiday I got out there and swam in the pool and in the sea and it made me really quite happy.

I'm Back!

I am back; not only from holiday but also the old Dawn is now back and raring to get on with life.

Perhaps the best thing about returning home was arriving to a letter on the doormat regarding the results from the bone scan I had before my holiday to check for tumour masses in my bones. The letter said the following;

"I am pleased to report that this scan is reported to be completely normal. This is clearly reassuring. We will see you next in 6 months as previously planned."

Reassuring - clearly!

I am also starting back at work... only part time to start with and I went in unofficially yesterday to get used to it. It really felt good and I am really looking forward to going back in again on Thursday. I am just going to start off on 2 days at the moment and build it up depending on how I go. Bring it on!