365 days

365 days ago I posted this on my blog;


Well, there you go! it's a year since I finished treatment.

It's amazing how quick you forget what it was like to be on treatment. I caught up with my friend's blog who is back on chemo. I read all about the little side effects, the little things you forget and I have to remind myself how far I have come. There was a day when a 5 minute walk to the local shop was way too much for me. Now I am excited about going walking in the Rockie mountains soon.

I have had a good few months where I have almost allowed myself to forget about this cancer thing. I didn't think I would get to a stage where what has happened to me wasn't shaping every thought and action. But, I got there and it is nice. Work has been occupying me. I haven't been thinking about it that much. I am just normal me again. I am looking like me again as well. I am never to know how long things will remain this way I guess, but I am getting quite good at neatly pushing thoughts like that into a far corner of my brain.

This weekend I have got a bit of a throat and ear infection. So not much is happening here. I might go and watch a DVD and cuddle the cats.

A friend I never met

Today I have been stopped in my tracks and now I am just sitting here and don't know what to do with myself. I just popped on to my breast cancer forum for a quick up-date with what's been going on there and found out one of the young girls I knew on there has passed away. I have never met this girl but she was always there online, chatting away, helping everyone out with advice to get through chemo, she was the one who put me onto my wigs on the internet.... and so it felt like I knew her. Hearing this news has brought me up short, she has been ill for a while and I always knew this day would come when one of the big breast cancer influences in my life lost their battle - but I didn't think it would be so soon. This may seem very foreign to everyone, feeling so deeply about someone you never met... but I have followed her journey closely.

She was diagnosed at the age of 29 (yes the same age that I was diagnosed) in July 2005. She got through chemo and came out the other side thinking she had kicked the disease into touch (much as I am feeling now!) but then sadly about 10 months after finishing treatment they found the secondaries; first her liver, then her brain, lungs and bone. It really upset me when 1 week after my "Brain cancer scare" last october I logged on and found out she had been in for brain scan results the same day as me but had come out with results that diverged us off on different paths and sent her down the route of brain surgery and me on the route to normality. I was really impressed that despite in October 07 being told she had 6-9months to live she had battled on and seemed to be holding her own and fighting to get on a clinical trail and the treatment she wanted. It wasn't to be. Her liver became too badly damaged as the tumours grew. Her journey had lasted 3 years. I don't know whether I should be writing all about her here on my blog, but I just felt I wanted to say something and just express how important she had been to me - even if she didn't know it.

Up to date.

Well, I guess it is about time for a little blog update.

A good place to start is the lovely wedding I have been to this weekend. It was really nice; great weather, lovely setting (garden party at the parents house), delectable champagne and yummy food. They had a hog roast and you know how James and I are partial to a good hog roast, ooh it was good. Also it was a lovely catch up with my university girlie friends (+ growing numbers of children too).
























































Everything else is progressing along nicely. I am working 4 days a week (that's 4 days in work with my 2hour/day commute). I am doing well and although I am not the girl I once was energy wise I feel pretty much back to normal. Although just how ready I am to take on the world depends on what day you catch me. On Monday and Tuesday I feel I could be working full time, I am running around here and there, juggling many an activity.... but then come Wednesday (my day off) things seem to slow down and by Thursday and Friday I am struggling to get up in the mornings for work and don't know how I am ever to get back to full time again. But that doesn't last long, after a weekends recharge I am running around taking on the world again.

I have also managed to loose 1 stone in weight since the end of treatment (which is just coming up to a year now - my god!). I think I have lost this weight mainly by being active and going to work and going for walks rather than stopping eating all the things I like. The best way to do it if you ask me.

Generally as things have been going well there is not much more to report.

My Honeymoon Shower Shocker!

I'll tell you what was a shocker - seeing myself on the front cover of the magazine alongside the title "My honeymoon shocker in the SHOWER". I didn't see that one coming. Well actually that's not quite true, I had joked that I might be on the front cover and could you imagine the headline... "my honeymoon horror" - turns out I wasn't that far from reality.

It's good to see that I am alongside such quality articles as;
"Hacked to death as I slept in the next room"
"Broke cos my fat friend was living as me"

....and my number one favorite

"Labour horror - I pushed so hard I blew up!"

Genius!!!

It's quite funny to read about myself in an article that I haven't written.... I think my favorite line in the whole bit is about my wedding day and is as follows;

"I'd sailed down the isle. It sounds so corny, but I felt like a princess"

he he.

and I just love the part where it says;

"James was great. He'd dish up pasta when I felt well enough to eat and kept the house clean" as if a man would never, unless his wife was mortally sick, do the cleaning!!!

Actually, I am happy because my charity bit to promote Breakthrough's 5K run was left in the article, and I was able to plug 2 great charities (Breast Cancer Care and Breakthrough) so I have done my job and I can hold my head up high for those very reasons. And I now know that things are going to turn out alright for me, because Pick me Up says I am clear of cancer and have the rest of my life to look forward to! Don't you love a story with a happy ending.

hmmmm I may now have wet your appetite to read it - doh, that was a mistake! You will find me in doctors waiting rooms up and down the country.

You're having a laugh!!

I've just had a quote for travel insurance for my summer holiday to the Canadian Rockies. I thought I would see what both a single trip and annual policy would cost.

Only £18 for the single policy................... plus £456 to cover for breast cancer!
An annual policy was £1200 premium on top.

This is the company that I have gone to in the past who have previously been great with breast cancer inclusions - but they now have a new underwriter.

OK, so next port of call another company recommended by my online breast buddies and oh look at that..... after going through their medical screening they won't insure me for anything arising breast cancer related.

last port of call... insure pink (the bc friendly insurers). Their basic online quote for a 2 week policy was £70, but yay they cover breast cancer in that!

so do I pay £70 and cover every eventuality, or exclude the breast cancer. I think in this case I am going to pay the £70 to give me peice of mind.

There I am!

There I am! You could be forgiven for not seeing me. Firstly no-one reads those extra bits and secondly I am on page 6!

Anyway, as you can see Nationwide are going to donate 20p to Macmillan for every vote slip returned. They have a target of £250,000 - not a measly sum at all. Last year 979,340 people voted... which if the same this year would give £195,868 (oh i hope my maths is going to hold up here!). But, we can get more!!!! Last year they didn't have all the readers of my blog voting. So your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to vote, get your family to vote, get everyone you possibly know who may have a Nationwide account to get their 20p's worth too.

Have you found me yet?

I've gone NATIONWIDE!

I was quite excited and suprised to find myself dropping through my own letter box today ;-D


I am also down to be in issue 27 of Pick Me Up magazine.... (i'll leave you to work out when that might be!)

There's going to be no getting away from me over the coming months!

I am sure I will be scanning the evidence and putting it on the blog for those who miss out.

A Closer Shave.

Well, I can now happily let you in on the magazine that I was going to be in (was being the important word!). Not anymore though, Closer Magazine have bumped me! They no longer want my story for some reason or other (which I am quite relieved about in all honesty).

However, I am now being passed down the food chain and my story is going to another magazine. This one is more of the "real life story" Take-A-Break style magazine - I am not even sure if it is glossy - and I feel much more comfortable that it has found it's natural place in the world. It will be 6 weeks before the issue comes out and anything could happen in that timescale.

I think I will feel a little less excited about talking to the media after this. The process has seen me sitting on a packed commuter train going home after work talking through my story with the writer on my mobile. It must have been quite odd sitting next to someone talking about "eating their own hair of their pillow". Also, the editors are not even sure they can keep the reference to Breakthrough's Charity Run and their website details in the article. That's only the main reason I agreed to it and despite my contact at Breakthrough's best efforts they are insisting that the word count is really tight. Surely they could cut some of the useless, stupid information they asked me about in the interview!

But the photo's have come through that they might use for the article. At the start of this process a photographer "popped round" and took some photos of me in the garden. He sent me copies of 6 or so, I could only find one or two where I was smiling. I expect they want to use photos of me looking rather disgruntled that I was unfortunate enough to get breast cancer. Here's a smiley one.

Festival fun

This bank holiday weekend I went camping at a music festival. It was such fun, although slightly wet and cold at times (even with my 6 layers on!!!) - but that just adds to the fun (hmmmm!). I went to Glastonbudget; a Glastonbury style festival made up of tribute bands. My favorites were Guns 2 Roses, The Bon Jovi Experience and The Fillers. I certainly had a good bop around.

Today I received....

.. a lovely unique card in the post;



























My friend Hanneke did the Race for Life the sunday before last. She and her international team of girlies ran/walked and raised lots of money for Cancer Research UK. The runners get to stick notes on their back if they have been touched by cancer or know someone who has been touched by cancer. Hanneke dedicated her run to me, as you can see. Her team then all signed the back with messages and sent it to me in the post. How nice is that!

Selling Out

Well, I’ve gone and proved I will do anything in the name of charity. I’ve only gone and sold my BC-story to a well known celebrity gossip magazine, oh the shame!

Why have I done this, well I have 3 reasons;
1. Breakthrough breast cancer contacted me and wanted someone to speak to the media about their story and to raise awareness of breast cancer in younger women (a very worthwhile reason and if it encourages girls who find a lump to get it sorted then it’s a very good thing!)
2. By doing the article I would help promote Breakthrough’s 5K charity walk to raise all important funds (again, an important cause).
3. I would get a nice wadge of cash that I could donate to charity and give myself a warm fuzzy feeling (I am thinking Breast Cancer Care or the Willow Foundation - I will not look at shoes!!!!!)

I am not going to tell you when it will be or which celebrity gossip magazine (apart from it’s definitely at the trashier end!) because I would rather you all didn't look at it. But, I have decided that letting you all in on why I have done it is probably better than you all coming across it out of the blue. So if you are ever in a doctors waiting room or on a train journey with a magazine and you come across me in an article sandwiched between;

“Jordan's big botched boob job”

and

“My husband ran off with my sister-in-law’s-best-friend's-granny”

do please remember the 3 very commendable reasons above!

Oh, and remember, although it’s going to be written in the First Person, I won’t have written it! The freelance writer is going to do that after we have a “phone interview”..... I can just see it now ...“Dawn was only 29 and on her honeymoon when disaster struck and she found the lump that was going to change her life for ever……”. So that's it for me now and being the new face of breast cancer. I am going to be like one of those models who can’t be taken seriously because they once did a glamour shoot – there goes my high-brow media darling career flying out of the window.

Anyway, I better go – I have to go and fill out the application form for the Jeremy Kyle show :-D

Developments on going Nationwide.

After sitting at my letter box and waiting for the postman to deliver ME through my letterbox, I contacted my contact at Nationwide and asked when I could expect to see it so that I could move away from the letterbox until it was time. She said that the AGM forms and Internet sites are now almost complete and voting starts in June - so it must be imminent. Plus they have invited me to go down to Birmingham for the actual AGM to see how much money gets raised by the initiative! Now, AGM probably equals boring.... but I am slightly tempted by the celebrity status - oooh perhaps I would have to collect a huge cardboard cheque like they do on comic relief ;-D

18 month breast cancer survivor!

Now, I think this is how it works; I've reached the 18 months since diagnosis time point (well I will have in exactly 3 days). I am not sure whether you count from diagnosis or the end of treatment ... but I guess I am still here 18 months after my diagnosis, so that's 18 months of surviving since the unwelcome intrusion of that little lump into my life.

I am regularly giving myself a check over and apart from the odd "was that a lump, was that scar tissue dilemma" the boobs seem to be behaving themselves. I'm not reading too much into this milestone... and sometimes I do feel like I have a little internal ticking timepiece that's just waiting for a tapping on the shoulder and interruption to a very pleasant little life. And I am enjoying life at the moment. I am working 4 days a week (3 in work, one from home) and I am in a really great little routine. I feel like I am still challenging myself with this, just enough to stretch myself and feel I am slowly pushing up what I can achieve. I am getting into the exercise; Swimming, Pilates and the new goal I've set myself to get out and get at least a 15min-30minutes walk every day (not when I am swimming or doing Pilates of course that would just be silly amounts!). Then there's my exciting little vegetable patch and garden to be getting out in the sun to play with. After the disastrous fight with the slugs last year which resulted in about 1 lettuce and 1 courgette, I have decided to take a different track and am going down the Soft-Fruit route. I have raspberry, blackcurrant and blueberry bushes, strawberries and the ever increasing rhubarb-it really is very exciting (well I think it is ;-D). Oh, and I've been and had my first real hair cut and highlights. Well, hidden highlights - what the point of paying for highlights that you cant see is, I don't know - but the hairdresser made it sound really funky! Then I have had some new front teeth (I've had a nice new bridge at the front that I have been putting off for the last 18months!). And, yes, that's about it!

Things are just tickety-bo right now (which is probably why I've gone all quite on the blog front).

Watch your letter box

Nationwide now have my photo (my usual PR shot - the one from the top corner of my blog... a little out of date on the hair length now though I suppose). I have also ok'ed a little paragraph outlining my breast cancer and why I support Macmillan. Just a few lines, but national distribution awaits me. So I guess it should be coming through letterboxes soon.

I've also had a nice long weekend in Dublin last weekend. James gets back from his conference there today (I flew back on my own and left him out there), so I should have some piccies to put up soon. I guess generally I've been doing OK recently; ticking along, going to work, that sort of thing. There just hasn't been much to come here and report on.

The New Face of Cancer

Whoop Whoop!

I am to be the face of the Nationwide Building Society's AGM booklet due to be coming through a letterbox near you sometime soon. I am so excited. My face will be landing on the mats of Nationwide customers all over the UK (poor them!) to persuade them to return their AGM voting forms; for every form returned Nationwide will donate money to Macmillan Cancer Support and I am to be the face to persuade y'all what a worthy cause it is. Whoop Whoop!

Pull the Udder one!

Well, I just have to come and plug my friend Leigh (aka "one of the cows") fund raising activities. He is running a very long way for charity (52.8 miles including The Silverstone Half marathon, The London Marathon and The Great North Run). It's all in aid of a very fantastic cause; The Willow Foundation. Remember that charity that organised my amazing-pamper-extravaganza-weekend at Ragdale Hall (One of Europe's Top Health Spas no less). One of the most top things I will remember to have come out of my pants cancer diagnosis and something to keep me going and looking forward to. Well, Leigh is running to raise money for this charity to keep Young-un's like me in special days out. Boy does he have some money to raise!

So, here is the plug for his sponsorship site

www.justgiving.com/leighchurch

I don't think he is running it in costume - polyester and running a long way probably don't go together too well ;-D

“Lydia", "Dawn", "Celia", "Rebeccah”

Its been a few days of intense highs and lows for me over the past few days.

I’ve been away on a works conference to Toulouse. It was good fun, oooppss sorry, very productive ;-D

Social events where the champagne flowed and much fun was had by all. I had such a great giggle, especially on the evening of the Wine Casino; where you had to bet on casino tables based around wine tasting to win chips for an auction of prizes at the end of the night. The girls and I won the top prize after I bet “one trillion dollars” – we didn’t have this amount of winnings but everyone around threw their chips into the circle to allow us to win – so touching. The title of this post is also related to this and is a totally in-joke; one of those you-just-had-to-be-there type of things. Oh my sides hurt from so much laughing. I would have had photos to put up on the blog to show just how much fun was had – but Lydia lost her camera on the last night – typical, she just wasn’t considering the blog potential was she! Nevermind, Celia to the rescue.....

Then there have been some breast cancer lows thrown in for good measure too. I heard some news about someone a few months down the line from me who’s cancer has returned. This has totally shocked me and made me very sad. It has just shown what fine a line it is from being fine one minute to facing it all over again the next. You just have to believe you will be one of the lucky one’s I suppose and carry on as though it’s gone for good. But, there is just no “All-Clear” when it comes to breast cancer and I guess that’s why I have been taking the discharge with a pinch-of-salt recently. So, in amongst the fun and laughter I have snuck in a few sneaky private tears (and some not-so-private in the Girls Loo’s on one of the social events, however, with a little help from my friends and some emergency Clinique makeup I was able to return to boogie the night away until 3am!!). Sometime I just think this breast cancer is just so unfair.

One MOT down since evil boob went bad.

Well, I have just been for my first annual breast MOT. That's my first check-up with the breast team and breast examination, or what I think I will refer to from now on as my annual MOT (I guess it sort of fits too; M.O.T = "maul of tit" - sorry couldn't resist). 

All appears fine ;-D

I have to admit I had been a bit apprehensive about going. I had no reason to be; nothing had changed since the mammogram, I had no new lumps or bumps... so it was always going to just be routine.... but I had still got myself a little apprehensive. I only became apprehensive yesterday, up until then I just thought of it as routine. But after waking up Monday morning from a dream in which they found lots of tumours at a check up and told me I was done for (not a nice dream really!), I started to get apprehensive where I once was calm. 

Obviously, no need to get worried. They are quite happy for me to toddle off into the real world and get on with things. They don't want to see me for another year. 

What did I say when they told me it was just yearly check ups from now on;

"So, no-one will see me till this time next year.... really, no one........ no check ups, no scans, no nothing"...... Yikes, I am on my own, this really is what discharge means. It's sunk in now that that is a good thing and I know they are just at the end of a phone and at the first sign of trouble I can be right back in there.

Rudding Park.

Last night we went out for dinner to the Clocktower restaurant at Rudding Park in Harrogate. I had been given some vouchers to go and have some Yorkshire Tapas as a end of treatment gift rom Ade and Sarah. So I saved them for a special Valentines treat and James and I went out for a posh meal. It was lovely. First we had a drink in the cool bar, then dinner in the retro dining room, followed by coffee in the comfy library. We did have the yorkshire tapas.... but as a starter so we could also sample the main courses and a pudding too.

I was so full afterwards! Yum, thanks guys.

Working from home

Someone has been a bit unhappy about my return to work recently.

Today I compromised and worked from home, the result was a very contented pussy cat

a weighty issue

hmmmm, I am coming to the conclusion that I might have been a bit niave in thinking that my chemo-weight would just drop of me after treatment finished.

Yes, the pills-from-hell (steroids) had made me water retentive and my face bloated like a big bouncy ball and yes, that went not long after finishing taking them.
However, I can't really blame the 2 stone that seemed to accumulate on my body during chemo on the steroids entirely. That was down to me being totally sedentary and eating like a crazy woman (well, some of that was due to pills-from-hell actually making me crave food to take away a funny taste in my mouth, but still there is no denying that scientific equation about calories in = energy out).

So I did think that once I stopped taking the pills-from-hell, stopped eating like a woman crazed, started being active in my daily life (let alone actually do some proper exercise), that I would see the weight just drop off me.

No! Despite having concsiously tried to eat healthily and sensibly since christmas and taking on a new love of (low-level) exercise - it ain't doing all that much. Yes, I am feeling so much healthier and more energentic and I am slowly tip-toeing down the pounds. But my BMI is still in the overweight category - Grrrrrrrrrr - although if I am generous with my height measurements I can just teter on the boundry with normal ;-D

Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy with my weight and don't think I am actually all that fat (whatever my BMI score says!) and I certainly don't feel self-conscious anymore like I did with the bloated bouncy ball face. I would just like to be my old dress size and I guess it will just have to be a gradual continued effort to get there (no big suprise that then). I have read that many women think that Tamoxifen can make you put on weight and so that might be why I am not loosing much. But, I don't really beleive that - I think that is an excuse to explain away being lazy and fat!

Anyway, perhaps I should resurect the graphs and publish my weight for all to see - that would be an incentive to shift those pounds! I thought for the purposes of this blog entry I should also include some photos to illustrate me at the start and end of 6 months of chemotherapy - I think it is self explanatory which waist-line is which (I haven't selected a deliberately-horrible frumpy post-chemo one to prove my point or anything! honest ;-D ).

Update: Romance isn't dead!

My hubby has just taken me to the poshest fish restaurant in town for a valentines supper... yes, that's the local fish and chip restaurant/shack in our village. Two haddock and chips (with bread butty) and a pot of tea for two. Ooooh arn't we romantic.
I am also eating out on Sat and Sun nights too... so I guess I can't really go complaining at the size of my waistline now can I!

Discharged!

I've been discharged from the oncologist.

"Go away - we don't want to see you again!"

Yippeeeeeeee. I am going to be followed up by my breast team and the lovely Mr Turton breast surgeon. I will next see him at the end of Feb and then I expect it will be 6-monthly/yearly from then on, with the obligatory yearly mammograms of course. But this years mammo was clear; no sign of recurrance. Jolly good.

I am picking up energy-wise as well. I have been using my recuperation days to go for small swims and I think it is making all the difference - it has been noticed that I am not so comatose in the evenings and am walking with a bit more of a spring in my step - including tackling the stairs at work! I still am pooped by my days in work, but they are working really well being alternate days. I am relucatant to increase this just yet because I would then have to sacrifice the exercise and I think that is helping me get better and it is really important to me. So slowly but surely I will get there. I still have my low days (like yesterday my limbs were tired and I hardly had energy to pick my feet up by the end of the day) but they are getting fewer and I am sure there will come a point where I just don't think about it.

Slowing down again.

This fatigue is a strange thing. After the last post of throwing myself with energy into my work, today I am tired through to my bones and it has been all I can do to keep going and I had to resort to 2 hours asleep in bed and 2 hours snoozing infront of Shrek 2. I had good intentions to go to aqua aerobics as exercise is good for fatigue - but thats easier said than done when you are fatigued!
But, i actually now feel a little refreshed again and so hopefully can throw myself back into it tomorrow after an early night tonight (although these days every night seems to be an early night for me, ho humm)

Clinical Trials and me.

Well, I am throwing myself into work in the New Year. I still feel ever so tired and am sticking on 3 (reduced) days a week for a further 3 months until I can get into the routine of it. However, I have got a huge incentive to throw myself into work. I am going to apply for a Fellowship grant which would fund me for 4 years of research... but the best thing - I could do it part time! I am struggling to imagine working full time (very hard for a 30 year old career girl to admit!) and so if I could just get support to work 4 days with a Wednesday recuperation day in the long term it may help me eventually get there. So I am throwing myself into it and actually enjoying the mental challenge.