grrrr, just another Thursday

blurgh.... it's another Thursday crash again and I have felt pants today. I just have no desire to do anything. Really lethargic and a "just can't be bothered" attitude has taken hold. My body is aching and my muscles are sore. I also have been really good recently trying to avoid the pigging out, that was until today and I have had a relapse and have eaten non-stop.

I know that tomorrow will be an entirely different day and I can pick up really quickly. I have exciting weekend plans to look forward to which are cheering me on and I know this is just a one-day blip to be endured. So, back to the endurance test.

CHEMO DAY : 7 down, 2 to go!

Well, it must be my impending 30th Birthday but yesterday in chemo apparently I had unbelievably tough skin! I must be a tough old bird now :-D
This meant Martin had a problem in getting me first stab and I had a pretty painful stabbing. But success was had on the second vein tried.

All was pretty uneventful and as usual left me just a little tired. I am now sporting my post-chemo, Aunt Sally-esque rosy red cheeks which will be with me for the next few days.

We've made it!

Finally, we have made it to our first wedding of the year after missing out on several due to my "illness". I made the most of the opportunity and had several wig-outfit changes during the day. Plus I stayed up till 12:30 - ooooh "rock and roll".

The chemo cycles are still going OK with not much to report. They all follow a pretty predictable routine with an initial "high" Wednesday morning followed by a "crash" which means not much happens on Thursday or Friday (apart from napping). Things get a bit better and are pretty normal over the weekend - ready to do it all over again.

CHEMO DAY : 6 down, 3 to go!

Hip Hip Hooray.
Time in: 2pm
First Stabbing
No allergic reactions
Time out: 6pm (I was the last person left hooked up at the end of the day, although they are usually finishing up the last person around 7pm so I was not too late).

Left me feeling tired but fine :)

Radio Ga Ga

Not only is the end of chemo now in sight, but so is the next stage. I have a date to start my Radiotherapy. I don't know all that much about it or what I am getting because up till now I have been concentrating on getting through the chemo first.

What I do know is that I am due to go for a 2 hour planning session on June 20th where they will "size me up" and give me my dot tattoos which will be used to line up the machine for the X-rays to be given in the correct place each time. I will then start my first session on the 9th July. I will need to go for 10min of Zapping every weekday (I have weekends off) for 4 weeks. I am not looking forward to this as I have an hours drive there and back in order to do this each day.

So at least now I can have some idea of how my summer will pan out. So I expect to be finishing the Radiotherapy mid-August I guess. (I've then just got 2-5 years of hormone therapy and I will be done!). So I am going to have the biggest end of treatment party in September because if getting through 6 months of chemo and 1 month of Radio isn't going to be something to celebrate, then I don't know what is.

Thursdays are.......

CHEMO DAY : 5 down, 4 to go!

Oh, the end is in sight!

Very successful chemo trip. First stabbing got a vein in my hand, I wonder if it was because I was somewhat more relaxed than usual - having just been for a free hand and foot massage in the Macmillan cancer centre at the hospital. I went in early on the train to get my bloods done and teemed it up with a massage in the time before meeting James in the clinic.

All went swimmingly; apart from my train ride in! A totally packed out train with no seats and people standing... so I decided to pluck up courage and use the chemo excuse to blag me a seat. Standing for an hour on a chemo day and bracing my aching body against the seats was not for me today. So I went to the first seats - a set of 2 tables with 8 people around them. Took a deep breath and timidly asked if anyone would mind giving up their seat for me because I was on chemo and I was having to get the train in for my treatment. And I stood there.... and I stood there.... they jolly well heard me because all of them passed looks between one another and wouldn't even make eye contact with me. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed for asking so I didn't say anything to them all and moved on to the next seat and apologetically asked another lady who jumped up and moved her teenage daughter to perch next to her. She was so nice, she could see I was clearly shaken-up after putting myself out there and she offered me some water (I was wearing head scarf and hat and looked very tired and had bags under my eyes so I looked the part too!). I wish I had had the courage to say something and make them all feel jolly bad! grrrrrr I can't believe it. Maybe I was expecting a bit much and was a bit cheeky. Maybe cancer is all around so much these days that going through chemotherapy is not that bigger deal anymore. Well, I can tell you - it still is pretty tough going! grrrr. Rant over.

So, anyhow.... it was all a success. Still a long day having had an appointment for 1:30 and out at around 6. The doc saw me about the eye problems which I am still having quite badly. She seemed a bit unsure but decided it was probably the steroids and so we will try and reduce them again next week. It is a play off between side effects and staving off an allergic reaction. I said that I would live with the side effects (if temporary) to keep going and avoid any allergic reactions that might mean stopping my drugs. I am also living with a constant low level achy-ness most of the time and if I overdo it my joints and bones can get really achy. But I am determined to start getting myself going again. I can now see Radiotherapy looming in the near future and for that I will need to drive a 2 hour round trip to get 10 minutes of Zapping every weekday for 4-5 weeks. So I think that might be a massive shock to the system so I am trying to start picking things up as much and as best I can now.

Chemo brain!

Now, I know I brandish this "chemo-brain" excuse around for anything dippy I do. But, it is a real phenomenon I can tell you. My brain is not what it used to be and is a constant source of amusement (or is that exasperation) to James ;-D

Mainly is exhibits itself as an inability to make decisions, forgetfulness and delayed processing responses (i.e I should have a windows hour-glass timer above my head to indicate processing and thinking in response to a question).

Decision making - oh boy - this is what I struggle with most. I can't make decisions... my main one is trying to decide whether I want a cup of tea or coffee for example, I dither between the two before finally plumping for one, only when it finally comes realising I thought I had chosen the other option. Give me a choice of coffee's on top of this and I am sent into overdrive! Don't expect this decision to be a quick one.

Forgetfulness - what was I talking about, oh yes, chemo brain induced forgetfulness. I think I only need to detail one such example to illustrate this point. I went for our weekly shop last week with Normal T-bags at the top of the list. However, when I got to the supermarket I got so engrossed in choosing some other exciting T-bags to try out as my taste for milky tea has really changed during chemo.. So I came home with a total of 220 T-bags in 5 different varieties (assam, earl grey, green tea, herbal teas, decaf tea). However, what had I not bought- NORMAL bloomin' T BAGS!

Delayed processing time. The above weekly shop now is extended by about an hour to allow for me to stand in front of each thing I am attempting to buy, make a decision over which variety/flavour/cheapest option to buy, and then plumping for the one I want. In terms of me following conversations, if you get me when I am tired then sentences need to be entered into the Dawn's chemo brain processor, interpreted and then my brain has to attempt to string together a cohesive sentence in response (which it often fails) - so don't expect quick-fire conversation with me these days.

And that's about all I have to say on that topic and I expect to continue to brandish it around to explain away anything :-D

CHEMO DAY : 4 down, 5 to go!

And again I say YAY!

Complete success.
Wonder veins (and quite high pressured too today!!) so we were in on first stab.
Nothing much to report really. Feeling tired but normal.
Oh, and those blood results never made it to the hospital so I am going to have to go in earlier each treatment day or the day before and get them done in Leeds. Clearly it is much too complicated for one hospital to fax blood test results through to another hospital.

So, here I am again.

So here I am again; I have just popped my steroids (eeek.. a little late!) and already been and had my pre-chemo bloods done at my local GP (fingers crossed the results make it to the hospital).
I am now settling down for the afternoon to rest before having to go back again for chemo tomorrow.
I am starting to get into the swing of these weekly treatments. I am sure they will fly by as I am having them every week... but they are getting a bit intensive. No sooner do I feel I have got up and about, it's right back onto the steroids and getting another toxic dose again.

This cycle I have not been quite so sprightly. The expected lull did hit after my initial perky-ness and most of Thursday was spent sleeping. Friday I was pretty tired too and that is when the body aches start to set in (they haven't left yet!).
But despite the achy-ness I have managed to include some normality; going out for lunch with friends and pootling in my garden planting a couple more plants. However, I over-achieved and did more than my allocated "one-thing-per-day" on Sunday and so I had to end the day with a bath to ease my aching bones; to no avail. Everything hurt. I have to admit I sat myself down and had 5 minutes where I felt a bit sorry for myself... but then I realised I could probably count the number of times when I have sat and really felt a bit sorry for myself on one hand (maybe two) and for 5 months of slogging through chemo I don't think that is half bad!

Hair Raising!

And here it is!!!! The new hair growth (picture illustrates head hair growth only.. other hair growth is resuming too and I am going to have to start shaving my legs, typical :D)

and while I am at it... here is evidence that I still can get up and about and also
manage gardening (or more accurately playing with the cat).
Please note how when out to lunch my plates seem to have been licked clean - this might explain my somewhat changed dimensions ;-D
(although I am hoping that some of it is post-chemo/steroid puffiness which I get for several days afterwards along with bright red face flush, gosh I just want to look like me again now.. ho hum...)

And today?

Feeling perky today and I am up and pottering about.

I do feel like another person on this drug. Looking back now, on the other side of EC, I can see what a zombie I was during that half of my treatment.

Yesterday, on the morning before going for my chemo, I felt great. I even got comments in the village shops about how much better I was looking these days and a man who I passed on the road even said I looked like I was having a good power-walk. Gave me a real buzz.
I went into chemo on a mega high and made all the nurses stroke and admire my new hair.

This hair is a constant source of amusement; my one or 2 mm have now styled themselves into a new Mohican style which is quite amusing, the colour looks pretty similar to my old hair.. with slightly longer tufts sprouting in a lighter colour throughout the Mohican - I must try and get a photo. This new hair growth caught me quite by surprise and so I have no photos of me bald. Feel a bit miffed with myself because I quite wanted to document every stage, ho humm.

Anyway, my oncologist is going to try and reduce my steroids over the next few weeks. The eye problems I have been getting can be a side effect of the high-dose steroids. I have been getting over double the amount of steroids around chemo day on this regime compared to when it is given every 3 weeks, and I have to have them every week as opposed to one in 3. So, yes please have a go at dropping them down.

Anyway, I am going to try and make the most of feeling perky today because I expect the next 2 days I will have a little lull, if previous experience is to go by.

CHEMO DAY : 3 down, 6 to go!

Another success story.

Arrival time : 1pm
no. of stabbings : 3
no. of nurses to do them : 2
Tears? : not a chance
Time out : 5:45
Feeling : no nausea, tired but good.

Because you're worth it.

Cancer is in the news again (but then again, it always is).
Today's news is reporting fears that the NHS may not be able to afford new generation cancer drugs. They say cancer patients may soon have to pay for their own drugs, and cancer drugs are very expensive.
I am sure everyone wonders why people facing death don't scrimp, save and beg for the money to buy the drugs themselves... unfortunately, I don't think it works that way; if you buy one part of your treatment then you have to pay for every part. I guess the NHS can't be a pay-as-you-go thing. So the small £5000 for my Taxol, for example, would be all well and good... but I couldn't just stop there and would have to fund everything privately.
As far as I can tell I am getting all that I possibly need on the NHS right now. It might not always be the case... if I get secondaries (which I am not going to), I would need to go through treatment again (and would need to have different drugs to the ones I have already had), then I might require a drug that NICE haven't agreed. Then what.... scary territory.

Anyway, I seem to have got all serious and be talking about the news - that will never do!!!!!

Today I have planted some spinach in my garden and put down some slug pellets.
Normality resumed.

To all you migraine sufferers....

I think I may have experienced my first migraine over the weekend. It wasn't very nice, so to all you sufferers out there; this patient might be going through chemo but her thoughts go out to you ;D
Obviously this is another of my self-diagnoses having never had one before... and of course, I like to blame everything on chemo so I will be mentioning it to my chemo nurse ;-D
In some ways it was a relief to finally get it over with (i.e go practically blind and puke) because I had just about had enough of getting "visual disturbances" in my eyes since my last chemo and I was pretty bugged by them.
But I tell you, I don't half take puking in my stride now!
So, if anyone who has migraines wants to quote me that having a migraine is worse than an evening after getting a dose of Taxol - then go for it.

A return to daytime telly.

OK, so you know I said I don't watch that much daytime telly........ I think the rose-tinted chemo specs were on the other day :-D
The last 2 days my Get-up-and-go has Got-up-and-gone a little bit. Which means there has been a little bit more lounging around and daytime telly creeping back into my household. I'm struggling just a little bit with the achy-achy back. Nothing much, but enough to encourage me that the sofa is a great place to be right now.

Feeling Good.

Up nice and early today (I haven't quite got dressed yet though, but I did send my husband off to work with a packed lunch! Is this the return of the Domestic Goddess to come????)
Feeling very good.
Have a list of tasks to do for the day.

Feeling very positive :D

However, I do think it is a sign of how my life has changed when on Friday evening when James returned from work and asked how my day had gone... I replied that I'd had a very busy, productive day. When I proceeded to tell him what that day had entailed... it began; "well, I got up and got dressed..." Oh, how my life has changed when getting up and getting dressed makes it into your list of achievable tasks.
To be honest, I have been pretty good, if I do say so myself, at keeping a strict 8am-10pm daily routine (to avoid the insomnia that can plague chemo patients). Apart from the weeks after my EC treatments which knocked me out, I have not spent all that many mornings/days lounging around in bed and practically don't see that much daytime telly. I don't know what fills my days, but boy, they seem to be pretty filled (probably because everything is done at half-pace and includes afternoon naps).

Yes, breast cancer and chemo can fill your every moment. However, I would say that Chemo is running along-side our daily lives. Yes, appointments and my daily well-being come first and dictate everything... but we still live pretty damn normal.. eating dinner and watching evening telly, going to town to buy scales and IKEA for bits and peices... going to the vet because the cat has got cystitis set off because there is a new-cat-on-the block and he is a big wuss. That sort of thing.

Another Success!! Hoorah!

Yay, another positive step. I have survived the second dose of this drug without any allergic reactions! Also, I have got away without any tears or sickness too.

Chemo diary went pretty much like this;
11am popped onto the train into Leeds to go and get my pre-chemo bloods taken early so that there would be no delays waiting around for blood test results later on.
12am blood letting.
12-2 Lunch with friends and coffee, sofa and reading a book in the Robert Ogden cancer support centre.
2:30 Met James in clinic and had BP, heart rate, temp and weight (another 2 kg) taken
3:30 In to see the doctor for a pre-chemo review. This was a new registrar whom I hadn't seen before and so most of the appointment was spent with me telling him what treatments I was having and why. But, he Okay'ed my bloods to go and that is all that mattered.
4:40 Clinic was so busy that there were no free chairs for me until late
4:45 Hand into the hot water
4:50 First Nurse had a token stab at a vein (I think they realise that I am an awkard one and so have a stab first and then toddle off to get good old Martin - as far as I can tell he, on 12 years experience, gets called to do all the difficult ones - James did ask if he got performance related pay, but sadly no - he did get a fruit pastel out of it from us though).
4:55 One stab and he has it.
5pm On with the IV saline and steroids and anti-allergy cocktail pre-meds which were left to kick in (and make me drowsy) for 30 minutes.
5:30 On with the TAXOL.... slowly.... slowly.... feeling ok....wait a litte more.... still ok... ok now lets start reading a book.... still feeling fine.... 30 minutes gone and we up the pace... feeling good.. yay... oh, now I need the loo... cue dragging the drip along to the Loo (with James tagging along and waiting outside in case I went funny!)..... oohh, an ice lolly, yes please.... ummm cold.....
7pm All done and off we go home, phew a long one... I am a bit sleepy now.
8pm Home-sweet-home. Meat-balls and spagetti (nice big bowl) for tea
9pm Bed zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Fully functioning.

I am proud to say that I am, and have been pretty much since the administration of this new toxic stuff, a fully functioning individual.

No sitting around in PJ's for me. No feeling spaced out. No getting out of the washing up. Just a pretty normal weekend (obviously helped out by several strategic power-naps).

My lower back achy-ness still rears it's head every-so-often. I have been told that bone and joint aches are part and parcel of this drug treatment and I have some strong Ibuprofen to take (they don't really do much that I can tell just yet). But the achy-ness can be at most described as a low-level ache and niggly pain.

So, in again tomorrow to "fast-track" back onto a Tuesday cycle hopefully. I best get popping some steroids then.

No sickness.

Oh, the joys of not being sick... or even feeling queasy!

I survived yesterdays chemo with merely a little tiredness which sent me straight off to zzzzzzz at a respectable 10:30pm. Nothing untoward to report.

Today, I have experimented with taking no sickness medication - none, zip, nill, nowt. Feeling fine!

My previous vom-inducing chemos seem like another life.

Success!

YAY! Today's chemo clinic was a breeze and all went well, so far - so good.

We were in for 9:15 but nothing happens until gone 10:30 so lots of time for magazine reading. Bloods were all okay to go.

Into the chair and nurse Martin found a vein up my arm with the first stab! hooray. (I had wrapped up nice and warm to give them the best hope and a nice hot heat pack worked a treat).

I was administered steroids, anti-histamine and anti-allergy cocktail and given 30 minutes for this to work and then on with the Taxol. Very slowly at first and it was hard not to be slightly apprehensive, but nothing adverse happened so HORRAH! With a little increase in tempo of the IV I was done in 1hr30min and after a bit of a flush with saline they let me go.

No blubbing. Even nurse Shanti commented that I'd had a good one with no tears - I slightly exaggerated on the last post... I have had one or two clinics without tears and they are only a slight temporary leakage from the eyes rather than full blubbing... but enough to build up a reputation obviously.

Excitement of today's clinics... we had ice-lollies as well as sarnies!!!

So, now they are fast tracking me in for 5days as opposed to 7d for my first one to try and get me back onto Tuesday's. I guess we now wait and see what happens with that chemo as it was my second encounter with drug/carrier fluid that caused my last allergic reaction. But, I think this is a positive enough step to now go and update my dates on my plan of attack and create a new graph.

So far feeling fine... on sofa and prepared to snooze and take some basic anti-sickness meds just in case, but I have come home with very few pills to pop on this chemo.

This one is for Nic.....

Let's try afresh..

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to chemo we go (it's an early start tomorrow; in for 9:15).

Yay... I am determined that it's going to go off without any blubbing (frankly it ain't a chemo clinic if my face doesn't leak at some point... even when I am usually in on a high-chat-fest with all the nurses I can still manage to squeeze out a few tears (it's a good job they flush me out with saline that's for sure)).

Had the fatigue hit again today. Don't worry this isn't me about to post a "oh woe is me, I am so fatigued" post, as I am still happy, happy sunshine Dawn. But as this is my only record of things through chemo I am going to try to document all the trials and tribulations of a chemo journey.. so it could get tedious when I start talking about my indigestion!!! - apologies.
I did the pre-chemo Morrison's shop today but with one-thing-and-another I was out for over 3 hours in the end (slow chemo brain makes making food decisions very amusing).

Fatigue hit as I was approaching the check out. Fatigue is funny. It's just a word and it is so hard to know what it means as I am sure it encompasses a whole range of feelings. For me I suddenly felt bushed and achy. It became a massive struggle to load up the shopping onto the conveyor and I even put my head down on the trolley handlebars (or whatever you call them) for a tiny seconds shut eye and to take the weight from my lower back that killed. I must have looked ridiculous - but frankly darling, I didn't give a damn. I had to only pack a few jars into each bag so I could lift them into the trolley... and when I got to loading up the car it suddenly dawned on me that I was making audible Wimbledon-tennis-player noises each time I picked a bag into the car!!!! A quick look around showed only a handful of OAP's, so to avoid any confusion that I might just be a weirdo, I whipped off the hat and continued the task bald, safe in the knowledge that I had an excuse :D

I must admit, I readily use the bald head for many occasions. I once needed the loo desperately, so I nipped into a charity shop but they only had a staff loo which they couldn't let me use. Cue the chemo excuse about really needing to go...... have I no shame!!!

Oh, and last night I washed my hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I used baby shampoo and got up a lovely lather as opposed to just washing my head. I didn't think I was attached to my hair and took ever so quickly to baldness and was really comfy with it..... but having a fuzz covering is just sooooo exciting, oooh it must be a good few millimeters now ;-D Apologies to everyone who I have made stroke my soft, soft head over the last few days :-D

Right enough babbling. I am going to try for an early night (if the steroids let me). Despite my body being a bit bushed I am feeling quite clear headed and pretty well actually.

This one is for my sister....

Sunshine and Gin&Tonic!

Well, today is a good day.
I must admit I have been a little bit lower than usual over the last few days both physically feeling really yucky (must be steroids or something) and mentally too; couldn't quite help feeling like things have been a little "set-back".
However, today is a whole different kettle of fish and I think it may have something to do with the sunny, sunny weather and the fact that I have been sitting out in my little garden with a nice large Gin&Tonic. Things just seem a little bit easier when the weather is nice.

Despite being 4 weeks since my last chemo I cannot really say I have felt normal again just yet. Yesterday for example, I drove over to Leeds... pottered lazily round a few shops... met Moira for lunch and the work lot for an afternoon coffee; no problem. However, by the time I got home at 5pm it was all I could do to drag myself through the door, up the stairs, pop a few painkillers for headaches and fall asleep for 1 1/2 hours. Now, that is hardly normal now is it??? I am fine when I try the little things in life (like today going for a walk to our local village castle [as seen on Grand Designs] via the village shop and an ice cream!!! now that's do-able!), but every-so-often things remind me I am on chemo and I just have to take the pace down a little.

But not today. Today is a Gin and Tonic day (just the one - I have my pre-chemo bloods tomorrow and I don't want my liver to start putting it's foot into things). Today life is pretty good :D