Back to the medical stuff.

I am never too far away from the medical stuff. The last 3 months I have had the pressure in my head hanging over me without any answers as to whats causing it. Due to several unfortunate events, such as delays in referral letters getting written and failure of medical staff to contact me when they should have done, I am still waiting. I finally got into see a Neurologist and Opthalmologist just before my San Francisco trip. They both decided I needed some tests to work out whats what - but as they were not without side effects they left them till after my little holiday. I need an MRI to check the blood vessels behind my eyes for blood clots which they could treat with blood thinning drugs. They also want to do a lumbar puncture (YIKES) to check the pressure within my skull. But as the LP can cause headaches they left it till after my holiday. But then never contacted me to get me in and I had to chase them up to arrange it for me. So after several mis-communication problems I now have to wait till 8th of Jan to get this done. And of course now I have this hanging over me I am getting headaches and pressure pains in my head so am convinced all is not right. Oh well, I just have to wait. No word on the MRI at all yet.

It's also my first annual mammogram scheduled for the 4th Jan.

San Francisco.

Yay! I had a wonderful time and managed to get out and do sightseeing and shopping galore.

I was a bit worried that Jet lag on top of an already fatigued body would see me sleeping my time away in the USA. however, far from it - I felt fabulous! the time difference really worked in my favor so I was able to get up and out in the morning and do 2-3 hours of sightseeing or shopping each morning before flagging and heading back to the hotel to relax in front of movies or have an afternoon kip before meeting up with everyone for dinner and drinks in the evening. I did this every single day! woo hoo. The weather was so glorious - fresh and cool but so sunny and clear, it really gave my spirits such a lift. I loved San Fransisco and managed to pootle round on buses, cable cars and street cars galore to see the sights including the golden gate bridge naturally. James and I even managed to make a trip to Alcatraz which was really good and, the highlight of my whole trip, the Nappa valley wine tour. We went to 4 wineries, i sampled every wine on offer on the tour, and we came home with a cheeky little bottle of port to enjoy over the Christmas period. The tour was kicked off at Domaine Chandon, the Californian brother of moet and chandon and so I thoroughly enjoyed starting the day tasting 4 sparkling wines at 11am in the morning!.

You can find me on face book to check out my photos.

I'm oh so tired!

I'm struggling.

I just feel so exhausted all the time these days. Today it's 12 o'clock and I've just woken up and I will probably spend much of today in my PJ's. I am working Monday, Thursday and Friday which gives me Tuesday and Wednesday to recuperate mid week. I need it; a simple overnight sleep doesn't seem to recharge my batteries these days.
I seem to be finding it harder mentally to deal with than going through much of chemo (I am sure it probably isn't but that's how I am feeling right now). My body just isn't living up to my expectations and won't do even the simplest things... like staying awake on my second day in work on the trot on Fridays - I end up a walking zombie on these days with my eyes so sore, tired and squinty. Monday and Thursday's at least I can function - all be it sleepily, but Fridays I literally have closed my eyes and almost fallen asleep while walking into work. Now that's just weird!

I watched the Kylie documentary this weekend. Miss Minogue started her tour about 5 months from where I am now (so I have a few months reprieve yet before needing to start my own world tour!). It was reassuring to see even Miss Minogue got tired; she fell asleep on a rug straight after her first tour and the way she described how tired her body was at that point just rang so true. She described that time as a battleground with her own body - oh how I feel like that... mentally I am up for getting back on track but physically I am not quite managing it. It's just getting me so down.

I just have a couple of weeks left of battling on and then I go to San Fransisco and then it's Christmas and then I will be better! I WILL be.

Page 11 girl!

My glittering media career has just taken off..... I have been featured in the Yorkshire Post! Sadly other news event took precedent over my appearance on Look North News last night, but I will settle for the paper instead...
What am I babbling on about.... this;


That's Me!!!!!
My local Macmillan centre contacted me earlier in the week to see if they could put my name forward to the Macmillan press office to kick start a new campaign they are launching this week. The campaign is to highlight issues affecting working and cancer and because I had always said my work were very supportive they thought of me! They said it helps to have a "face" to put to the story and it would help exposure for the charities campaign if I could give an interview. I didn't realise when I said yes it was to go on the telly! Yikes! they wanted to interview me for the 6 o'clock news! However, these things move quickly and next minute they chose another feature. Boo, I quite wanted to go on the telly after all. However, the Yorkshire Post contacted me instead and asked to talk to me. So I did, and here is the result; Page 11 of the Yorkshire Post.
You can read all about me at; http://www.yorkshirepost.co.uk/features/The-cancer-patients-who-face.3507056.jp

I am just off down the newsagents to buy a few copies.

Sleep.

Well, pretty much over these last few weeks my time has either been spent sleeping or thinking about sleep. I have been doing 3 slightly reduced days at work per week for a couple of weeks now and finding it really hard going. I had hoped to be up to 4 days in the next couple of weeks but after admitting that I was struggling it has been agreed that I should slow down my return to work. I may do more working from home or perhaps do a few less hours and hopefully that should mean I will have more control over life outside of work. Being so tired all the time has really got me down this last week and I don't want to arrange to do anything outside of work just so that I can take it easy and catch up on kip. I really can't keep that up long term, hence slowing down the return to work.

But, through working normality seems to be returning.
You would therefore think that I would want to put breast cancer far behind me and move on. Oh no, not me!!!! This weekend I have been to a younger women's forum run by breast cancer care. It was a 2 day event with talks on medical updates, diet and exercise after treatment, fertility and adoption, coping with uncertainty, and of course the mini makeover and mini manicures. I was put up in a hotel for a night in Leeds and there was an evening meal to get to know other women. I was able to meet others who had finished treatment about the same time as me and was reassured that how I am feeling at the moment is normal; most are not planning on going back to work till the new year so I am doing pretty well. I was still almost the youngest there even though it was supposed to be a younger women's forum - the majority being in their 40's. It was a really fab weekend all in all, especially after I had umm-ed and ahh-ed about going as it was time to move on, but I am really glad I went.

I also have signed up as a Macmillian patient volunteer to get involved in various things for them. My first assignment has just been sent to me in the post. I am to read and review the book "Breast Cancer for Dummies" so they can know whether it is useful, reliable, interesting and whether I would recommend it to others etc.

I have only started on a few pages so far. It seems like it will be quite good and its refreshing seeing it in the "for dummies" format. However, I am already getting annoyed by the "American-ness" of the book; talking about cheerleading squads and yes ma'am's and general American biased things. Grrr, it's really annoying but well a reviewers work is never done and I must just read-past that!

One Year On.

It's my anniversary today!

one year ago today I went to get my biopsy results and got the shock of a lifetime.

But, rather than get all melancholy about what a big year it has been... I feel like celebrating all the great things that have come of this...

Firstly, I now have a bank of wigs for any future fancy dress parties I get invited to... my costumes will be based around which wig I can bring out of retirement
(who am I? if you have been watching Heros... "Save the Cheerleader, Save the world!", James is Arthur Dent from HHGTTG - "Don't Panic!").

The other things are all going to sound really corny.. but;

I feel I have learnt a lot about myself and have surprised myself that I am actually quite strong to get through this and I have just got on with it really (not that you can do much else).

James and I have been made stronger - not that we were not close or strong before but in some ways we have got through this together, never once wishing the other would have acted in some other way or said something else, not once with a bad word to one another. We know we can face anything in the future now.

I've made new friends. This may sound silly but I have got to know others who have had breast cancer, especially younger girls and although the circumstances I have got to know them are not what you would wish for it's nice to know they are out there. I've recently enjoyed a lovely evening out over dinner and a couple of glasses of wine with my new breast-friend Sarah which i really enjoyed. Long may that friendship last!

Breast cancer is now a part of me. It has shaped who I am now and who I will be in the future. I am certainly not going to shut this year off and never talk about it again, I am quite proud of getting through this. In some ways I am a different person with slightly different worries now. But I still let the little things worry me and I still can enjoy a good gossip about the trivial things in life!

Cold, phah!

I laugh in the face of colds these days!

It is pretty much on the way out. However, I am still pretty feeble and have had to stay at home today after going into work yesterday has left me a little tired and headachey. The return to work has not been going as well as I had hoped. What with one thing and another..... the clinic appointments, scans, worrying myself silly, catching a cold.... I have hardly done more than 1-2 days a week so far. I had wanted to be doing 3 regular days by now, but I seem to be just grabbing them when I can.
Next week the 3 day week begins properly.....

I must be ill!

Today, I cancelled my manicure at the Robert Ogden Macmillan centre.

I must be ill!

A common cold!

I seem to have caught what it known as "A Common Cold"!

I haven't had a cold for ages and that's pretty good going with my immune system over the last year. It's actually quite refreshing to be sufferring from something bog standard and so I have been snuggling myself up in bed enjoying feeling royally sorry for myself and trying to self medicate myself with everything under the sun to get rid of it quickly. Any old wives tales I should be trying??? Think I have licked the worst of it though and am getting better already.

Bouncing back

I am bouncing back slowly but surely after last weeks storm-in-a-tea cup (I can say that now - it didn't feel that trivial at the time).
It's quite freaky at this particular moment because I am lying in bed with a bit of a sore throat watching This Morning and listening to an item about a lady who went to the opticians for a routine eye test who was diagnosed with a brain tumour because they saw swelling of the optic nerve at the back of the eye. Erm... well that's just a bit freaky.... luckily mine isn't a brain tumour but it shows it wasn't all that far fetched!

I am finding it hard to jump back after last week. Perhaps it's just because I am slightly under the weather. But it all shocked me deeper than I thought possible, deeper than going and getting my original lump results. I think in some ways with breast tumours you can just cut-it-out or lop-it-off but when you start talking about brain tumours that sounds scary - is it operable? do you have to have brain radiation? Is this it?
I think the main thing that hit me was that up to now I have had hope; we cut out the lump and it's gone and I am to be one of the lucky ones who goes on for 10 years and is never worried by it again. However, suddenly I was faced with the idea that I might not be so lucky, that it might have spread and was no longer "curable" (if it ever is!) and we would have to start talking time-scales.
Thankfully it was all nothing and I've popped back into the "hope" category just-like-that. So no more thinking like that for me, just looking forward now.

This is the way it is going to be from now on. Any sysmptom I present with that could be "cancer spread" will have to be investigated. Whereas in any old normal person cancer would be the last port of call in eliminating possible causes, with my past history I am now always going to be fast tracked into cancer world. I expect they won't all be as scary as this particular scare. After all I have been sent for bone scans to check for spread before and that didn't feel anywhere quite as serious. But this is me now. Hyperchondriac central!

It's OK, I can have my life back now.

I am writing this post to document how I am feeling right now, although you may be reading this at a somewhat later date (now Thursday) when I feel ready to post it. Hopefully I have been able to publish this with a happy title containing the words it's OK.. but I don't know what will happen just yet.

Sunday 14th October;

As you could probably tell from past posts I have been feeling on top of the world and getting back to work and exercise and making plans again when a thunderbolt has just came out of the unexpected and has hit me completely off my feet. I have had what I am calling a "Cancer Scare" and I really am; scared that is!

A random opticians appointment on Tuesday 9th October made to check whether I needed glasses as my eyesight after chemo is not what it once was has sent my world into turmoil. After testing my eyes the optician confirmed I didn't need glasses, however, he had noticed that my optic nerves were inflamed which could suggest some increase in pressure in my head and he would like to phone my GP and discuss this with him. So he phoned him there and then and after listening to words like "papilloedema" and "very much to the contrary" he said that the GP was going to phone my oncologist and I was to go home and he would call me later when he had discussed it with my oncologist who might want to see me. At this point I didn't think much of it except... "ooh I may have a bit of hypertension, better take my pressurised head home then".

However I arrived home to a phone call I didn't expect. The GP had talked to my oncologist and they were a bit surprised to hear about this and wanted to see me in clinic 2 days later. He then spent 10 minutes on the phone discussing what could be causing this intracranial pressure. It wasn't nice listening. It could be several causes; Stroke or blood clot in the brain (which was unlikely as I had no other symptoms), early signs of MS, or just random hypertension that they could treat with steroids to preserve my sight. But then he came onto the thing I never in my wildest dreams imagined. With my past history they would be worried that there may be some mass swelling within my brain and causing the increased pressure. The cancer may be there.

I needed to get into see my oncologist. But first I would put the phone down, crumple on the stairs and burst into tears... not now, I felt so well, I was not ready for this!

So two days later on Thursday James and I were back in the place we had hoped we wouldn't be seeing for quite some time. Chemo clinic and seeing my consultant. He looked in my eyes and confirmed that it could just be some hypertension so he would put me onto steroids straight away (joy, oh joy!). However, they had to do some tests to check it wasn't anything suspicious. They would arrange me an urgent brain CT scan.

"how long will this take?"

"This afternoon I hope" Oh, S**t that's quick.

It turns out I couldn't go in until the next day. But turns out the brain CT scan was much like any other scan and took it in my stride - after all I had a spa retreat to get to. But, its quite scary thinking that my brain scan is out there somewhere and it has probably already been looked at and someone somewhere knows what the outcome for me it going to be. That's scary.

So now we wait.... results will come and then we will do what we need to. So for now I am feeling pretty resigned and don't really feel much about it right now.

Wednesday 17th October;

Limbo......

That's how I feel right now. I have spent the last few days feeling sick in my stomach. It's just nerves and that gives me butterflies... which reminds me I have something big to worry about and that gets me more nervous and sick. It's a viscous circle. I have tried to go into work and throw my mind onto that and that has worked OK. I haven't told anyone, and for that I am sorry, but telling people makes it real and I don't want it to be real.

I went to see a counsellor on Monday too. It was totally coincidence that I had this appointment. My breast care nurse had made this appointment for me some time ago to coincide with my return to work. She said that the time when people feel most down and struggle can be the getting back to normal time, when you are expected to bounce back but it doesn't quite work like that. So she referred me to clinical psychology. I went for an assessment 2 weeks ago and basically went through my case and told her how on top of the world I was feeling, enthusiastic to get back to work and normality and how I didn't really feel like I would need these sessions. However, we made a second appointment for this week to complete the assessment where I could decide if I wanted to continue. This weeks appointment couldn't be further from how I went in last time. I needed it, I just needed to voice to someone how scared I was. My biggest fear is that I don't know how I am going to bounce back from this. My whole return to work had been arranged on an optimistic timescale with occupational health because I felt so up for it. It hinged on me being able to happily throw myself into it. Now I am scared I have lost that enthusiasm and excitement and the want to get on with everything. I feel so tired now. I don't know if , all things being OK, I will be able to pick myself back up to the sheer happiness I felt around the time of my party and holiday. But I guess I will do. I hope I get the chance to find out if I can put a little blip of a scare behind me. I hope it is just a scare, although in my heart right now on the night before the results I am not so sure. I will know tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a very long day.

Thursday 18th October;
Its clear! The brain scan looks normal and does not show any tumour masses in my brain.
That's all I need to hear. Relief floods over me. OK so we need to work out what is causing the pressure on my optic nerve and so I will be referred to an eye doctor. But compared to a brain tumour other causes are just so not my problem right now. I can stop the steroids. Yippeeee I hate steroids 7 days of 8mg/day of steroids had left me puffy and flushed, made me have a funny taste in my mouth and eat like there is no tomorrow. I will stop them right now.
I can also have my life back again. James and I had switched right back into the limbo world of not knowing whether we could book anything or do anything because I may have to start treatment again. We wanted to book flights to go to San Fransisco but just couldn't be sure we could go. So now I can start thinking of life again and make some plans. I am going to try and put this all behind me. Although right now I am feeling a little overwhelmed and spaced out. I will just let the news sink in for a little while this evening and perhaps book those flights afterall.

Spoilt Rotten

I have just got back from a Divine weekend being pampered at Ragdale Hall Health Hydro in Leicestershire! Another wonderful charity called the Willow Foundation splashed out for a special day (actually weekend) out with my two close friends Josie and Marie. I wanted to say thanks to them both for being such fab friends from the very moment I found out I had breast cancer, for being there to support me and for understanding that going through chemo can mean being cut off from the outside world and rather than being given space and time to just get on with it, they understood the importance of keeping me in touch with girlie trips out and phone calls. So we all took ourselves off to be pampered for the weekend, and boy, what a weekend....



We arrive Friday afternoon to get ourselves straight into snuggly robes and off for a pedicure to prepare our toenails for a weekend on show. Then it was off for fabulous 3 course meal followed by coffee relaxing in a secluded corner. The next morning it was up for a lovely breakfast in our room and off out for a dip in the pool and chill out before I pootled off to get an pampering hand treatment followed by manicure to match my "Rampant Rose" toes.

More fabulous food followed for lunch and the afternoon was passed having a leg and thigh massage. But I didnt stop there.... Sat night was Champagne with dinner night and sunday was a 50 minute Clarins facial and also a quick eyebrow tidy up. As a result of the facial I happened to come home with a little goody bag of lovely creams, lotions and potions. Oh it felt so divine to be in such luxury - it really was a cut above. I cannot begin to tell you how much I needed it right now... mmmmmmm

Hair Update.

So how is the hair coming along? Actually very well and I think I need to go and get my first hair cut this week. How exciting. I am also going to be going and having my eyebrows shaped this coming weekend to make the most of having eyebrows again. But my most favorite of all is having eyelashes again, I may go out and treat myself to a nice new mascara to celelbrate.

Here are a couple of photos taken while on holiday to show how the hair is looking these days.

Another sucessful day at the office.

My second day back at work went just as swimmingly as the first. I am doing 2 days a week 9:30-4pm. It really felt like normality may be returning and I felt able to concentrate surprisingly well on the job in hand. I am almost chomping-at-the-bit to get back in and start increasing my hours, which I have to admit surprises even myself as just a mere few weeks ago I was a tad scared about how I was going to manage..... but I have come on leaps-and-bounds since then. I appreciate that it is early days yet and the novelty may well wear off and tiredness may get harder to deal with. I am very tired during the evenings after being in work, but it's a good tired - a tiredness borne out of doing something productive not just because of an illness - which is fab.

This week I have also done my first exercise class; an evening aqua aerobics class. I managed pretty well (although I did mainly bob up and down in the water for the whole time rather than doing much in the way of exercise). My arm has also been left quite weedy after surgery and I struggled to push the floats down under the water and therefore I did it using my own hands as just enough resistance for now :D
It's such a nice thing being able to go swimming again. I was advised against it during chemotherapy due to all the nasty little bugs I could come into contact with while my immune system was low. Then during and after radiotherapy the chlorine could have upset my skin. SO finally during my holiday I got out there and swam in the pool and in the sea and it made me really quite happy.

I'm Back!

I am back; not only from holiday but also the old Dawn is now back and raring to get on with life.

Perhaps the best thing about returning home was arriving to a letter on the doormat regarding the results from the bone scan I had before my holiday to check for tumour masses in my bones. The letter said the following;

"I am pleased to report that this scan is reported to be completely normal. This is clearly reassuring. We will see you next in 6 months as previously planned."

Reassuring - clearly!

I am also starting back at work... only part time to start with and I went in unofficially yesterday to get used to it. It really felt good and I am really looking forward to going back in again on Thursday. I am just going to start off on 2 days at the moment and build it up depending on how I go. Bring it on!

A postcard from Corfu!

Having a lovely time here in Kalami. Weather is just right, not too hot but glorious enough. Kalami is perfect, a small village nestled in a hillside bay with just 3 tavernas and two bars to sample. The pace is very slow and just what we were after. We have mainly been eating olives, drinking Mythos Greek beer and relaxing! Occasionally we take the boat taxi to neighbouring Agni bay taverna for dinner. Later in the week we plan to hire ourselves a little boat and go pootling along the coastline to find our own deserted beach. It's just heaven. The aches and pains I have recently been troubled with have all but gone.... perhaps I better relocate to the Mediterranean (James says this is a very good plan).
Right I better get back to that sunshine, there is more serious relaxing to be done.

All is not lost...

I've been into work today and had a 3 hour lab meeting talking hard-core science. Phew my brain hurt. All might not be lost on the old paper publishing front and when I get back to work I can focus on finding out what data I've got and throwing myself into getting a paper published too.
Anyway, today reassured me that it was good to get back into work and think about work things. Admittedly my 3 hour science marathon meant that I had to come home and do a 2 hour sleep-a-thon. Not to worry, it's just a tired week this week - anyone would think I've had a big party or something.
I am due to start back properly the first week of October and have arranged to start on 2 days a week.
Hmmmm now just 2 weeks left of rest and recuperation.... I better get started.

Returning to work

I have been in to see the Occupational Health doctor today who advises on my fitness to work and my scheduled return to work. Today was a bad day to arrange to do this as I am SHATTERED this week (for obvious post-party reasons) and so when he asked lots of questions about how I was feeling, I answered all the wrong answers and it came across as though I was still an invalid and pretty tired-out by daily tasks.
He advised me I shouldn't be too optimistic about getting back to work before Nov/Dec time. By the end of the appointment I was almost shaking him and saying "look how well I am, look at what I can do each day"... but by then he was already convinced.
Admittedly, there is a world of difference between pottering around the house and actually going to work. And just going in to see him today has whacked me and I have crawled my way home on the train and back to the sofa and the good old lap-top to pour out my frustration. But I have to get back on that horse sometime. I know it won't be easy but I had hoped that today we would work out a plan for what hours I should work etc. I guess the fact that I nearly felt like crying (Tamoxifen again!) at the thought of not being able to start back to work in October must mean I am pretty ready for it.

Plus I am feeling pretty depressed and don't actually know what I am going to do when I get back to work because while Dawn was away doing "breast cancer" it looks like the scientific world hasn't stood around and waited patiently for me to get better and my work has already been published in a really good journal while I have been off sick (and not by me obviously). Dammnnnation!

Cod Liver oil capsules

Well, this blog has finally come round full circle and here I am again talking about Cod Liver Oil capsules. This time I am not attaching them to my nipples (see the very first blog entry for an explanation of this), but I am starting to take them as a dietary supplement in an attempt to lubricate my joints from the inside.
I am really quite achy and stiff, which I think has been much exacerbated by me really going for it at the weekend. Hence, I have been very tired and slept quite a bit for the last 2 days. But, it was worth it.

I have also got myself another repeat prescription of the lovely Tamoxifen. However, I am trying out a different brand this time as the pharmacist tells me that different manufacturers' brands give different people different side effects and it's one of the drugs that they end up buying in separate brands for different people. I am going to have a go with Nolvadex D made by the original manufactures before their patent expired and any tom, dick and harry could make it. It's meant to be purer and I am hoping it will get rid of the body aches. we will see. I would also like it to stop playing havoc with my hormones making me an emotional wreck and prone to teary outbursts for no apparent reason.

Mmmmmm, Hog!

Well, even if I do say so myself; we throw a good party!!!!!

What a wonderful day for it (almost too good as Tweed is a hot fabric to wear). I can happily announce that although my diet may consist of large quantities of meat for breakfast, lunch and dinner over the next few days, we have very few left overs from the hog roast. We managed to work our way through at least 120 Hog Rolls (not including any meat consumed in pitta, french stick or the absence of bread product). If you didn't go home from my party stuffed and unable to eat another thing then you didn't enter into the spirit of it quite franky :) My good husband selflessly consumed 7 Hog rolls! and thanks to those of you who took a hog-roll with you for the long journey home.
It really did mean so much to have so many good friends there with me and I enjoyed the party so much. I did even shed an emotional tear when the last person left the next day after having so many of you pop back round to consume even more of the meat for us.
Thanks to the little team of "My B*tches" who continued all the little jobs which needed finishing once I had excitedly got distracted by something else.
For those who had to leave before the best costume prize-giving ceremony, the results were as follows;


Best Townie was awarded to Moira for the maximum amount of burberry one person can wear (you enjoy that Lambrini!)




Joint winners of Best Country were Zoe (Scarecrow) and "The Cows"











Best Fusion by a clear margin of course went to Dave and Ben.





I also have a cheeky late-breaking prize announcement












"The Lord and Lady of the Manor"

So Excited!

Oh, I am so excited I can hardly sit still. I really can't - and as for sleeping I am far too excited to do that at the moment.

Why am I so excited? because I am going to have an end-of-treatment party (if you haven't had an invite - get in touch!). It is hopefully going to be a huge turning point for me; I will have a party, go for the final push on the R&R on holiday in Corfu and then be totally ready to put the last year behind me and start a new phase and get back to work. Hoorah! I really have needed to take these few extra weeks after finishing radiotherapy to build up my confidence that I can do normal things again and have the energy to survive them. Now I am ready to move on!

Tamoxifen is still going fine. I definitely am suffering with joint aches and stiffness from the tablets... i.e in the little joints of my toes and fingers and mainly my knees - but that I can cope with now that I have some energy back (with a little help from strong pain killers to help me sleep at night).

A week of Tamoxifen

I have been taking tamoxifen for a week now and all seems well and I feel good. No hot flushes to speak of, which is good. However, I don't know whether it is related to the Tamoxifen but this last week I have generally ached, had a bad back pain, and my joints have seized up quite badly. Quite a few times I have hobbled around like my old chemo Taxol days, but then equally quite a few times I have dashed around and am now faster than the OAP's on Skipton high street - Hoorah! It feels great to be held up by doddering old ladies whom I am trying to get past :D

My bone scan went OK. I had a few hours to kill in between getting the radioactive injection and sitting in the big gamma machine. The scan itself was fine but I had to lie still for a total of 20 minutes to scan my whole body and my arms ached from holding them out at the end of it. It was however very exciting to look over and catch a glimpse of my very own skeleton flash up on the screen. I haven't got another doctors appointment to get these results, but I figure they will contact me if there is anything that shows up that needs worrying about.

I am generally starting to get on with life after chemo now and am trying to build up my daily activity levels to get me fighting fit for my return to work. Although I have found it quite hard to know exactly what to say to the question I seem to get asked these days...

"have you had the all clear?"

I don't know quite how to answer it. I suppose I have in as much as I have been told to go away and not come back to see the oncologist for 6 months - that has allowed me a little bit of closure. As far as they can tell we have removed the solid tumour and I have given my body the best shot with chemo and radiotherapy. However, I haven't got a marker that shows whether the chemo has worked for me. There was no tumor to shrink and even my hair started growing on the second half of treatment. So we just hope that the chemo has worked and killed any remaining cancer cells in my body.
The next 2 years are the "high risk" years. There is a high risk of the cancer coming back in the first 2 years after treatment. There is still a risk extending out to 5 years. After that it isn't risk free but its a pretty good outcome. I couldn't quite bring myself to ask the oncologist what the likely chances are of a recurrence would be for my individual case. I figure I am better off not knowing that statistic and what will-be-will-be.
Now I am just going to try my hardest to get back to the Dawn I was before all this; before I thought about breast cancer a lot, before I constantly was assessing "how do I feel today?". I am starting to get there already. At times I could even forget that I have just been through chemo, during it I could hardly contemplate what a day-in-the-life of a non-chemo person could be! Now I can, and it's pretty good!

Weddings and dancing.

I popped my first tamoxifen last night, and as expected, I am none-the-wiser I took it. What a chicken I was!!!

I have also been to a wedding this weekend. I have to confess to having a jolly big blub in the church. I was just thinking how lovely the bride looked walking down the isle and how it was a year since I was doing it and how at that point we didn't know what was to come around the corner and then... bam.... my eyes started leaking all over the place. Luckily that sort of thing is completely allowed at weddings and I got it relatively under control and was able to sit back and enjoy the rest of the service which was lovely. Thankfully my eyelashes are also not yet long enough to really benefit from mascara so I didn't have to worry about that running all over the place. Later on there was a ceilidh and I even got up and did 2 dances with my new found energy (one of them being with a 6 year old boy as my partner so I didn't need to worry about over exerting myself).

I am off for my bone scan on Wednesday which means going in for an injection of radioactive tracer in the morning and then waiting 3 hours for it to be taken up into my bones before going back for the scan later that afternoon. I think I will take doctors orders during this time to go and do a little bit of shopping!

So, Tamoxifen....

I am thinking about taking my first Tamoxifen tablet tonight. I have the little packet of 28 days worth of pills sitting here looking at me.....
.... yet, I can't quite bring myself to take it....
I am going to have to... but, I have enjoyed having 12 treatment free days and was just starting to feel like my body was side-effect free.
I'll take it later before bed.

Little baby steps.

I have had a brilliant letter through from the occupational health doctor regarding getting ready for my return to work;

"You should focus on pacing activity, and slowly increasing it, focusing on those matters concerned with getting through the necessities (such as paying bills, shopping etc.)".

Woo Hoo, I have been given doctors orders to go shopping!!!! If he meant grocery shopping he should have been more specific!

I am feeling better by the day and almost forgot what it was like to be on chemo. However, yesterday I had a flashback when a chemo-fatigue crash happened while in Leeds. I had forgotten how hard and fast it can hit and it reminded me exactly what I have been through and to not get complacent. Little baby steps is the way to go.