I must be ill!

Today, I cancelled my manicure at the Robert Ogden Macmillan centre.

I must be ill!

A common cold!

I seem to have caught what it known as "A Common Cold"!

I haven't had a cold for ages and that's pretty good going with my immune system over the last year. It's actually quite refreshing to be sufferring from something bog standard and so I have been snuggling myself up in bed enjoying feeling royally sorry for myself and trying to self medicate myself with everything under the sun to get rid of it quickly. Any old wives tales I should be trying??? Think I have licked the worst of it though and am getting better already.

Bouncing back

I am bouncing back slowly but surely after last weeks storm-in-a-tea cup (I can say that now - it didn't feel that trivial at the time).
It's quite freaky at this particular moment because I am lying in bed with a bit of a sore throat watching This Morning and listening to an item about a lady who went to the opticians for a routine eye test who was diagnosed with a brain tumour because they saw swelling of the optic nerve at the back of the eye. Erm... well that's just a bit freaky.... luckily mine isn't a brain tumour but it shows it wasn't all that far fetched!

I am finding it hard to jump back after last week. Perhaps it's just because I am slightly under the weather. But it all shocked me deeper than I thought possible, deeper than going and getting my original lump results. I think in some ways with breast tumours you can just cut-it-out or lop-it-off but when you start talking about brain tumours that sounds scary - is it operable? do you have to have brain radiation? Is this it?
I think the main thing that hit me was that up to now I have had hope; we cut out the lump and it's gone and I am to be one of the lucky ones who goes on for 10 years and is never worried by it again. However, suddenly I was faced with the idea that I might not be so lucky, that it might have spread and was no longer "curable" (if it ever is!) and we would have to start talking time-scales.
Thankfully it was all nothing and I've popped back into the "hope" category just-like-that. So no more thinking like that for me, just looking forward now.

This is the way it is going to be from now on. Any sysmptom I present with that could be "cancer spread" will have to be investigated. Whereas in any old normal person cancer would be the last port of call in eliminating possible causes, with my past history I am now always going to be fast tracked into cancer world. I expect they won't all be as scary as this particular scare. After all I have been sent for bone scans to check for spread before and that didn't feel anywhere quite as serious. But this is me now. Hyperchondriac central!

It's OK, I can have my life back now.

I am writing this post to document how I am feeling right now, although you may be reading this at a somewhat later date (now Thursday) when I feel ready to post it. Hopefully I have been able to publish this with a happy title containing the words it's OK.. but I don't know what will happen just yet.

Sunday 14th October;

As you could probably tell from past posts I have been feeling on top of the world and getting back to work and exercise and making plans again when a thunderbolt has just came out of the unexpected and has hit me completely off my feet. I have had what I am calling a "Cancer Scare" and I really am; scared that is!

A random opticians appointment on Tuesday 9th October made to check whether I needed glasses as my eyesight after chemo is not what it once was has sent my world into turmoil. After testing my eyes the optician confirmed I didn't need glasses, however, he had noticed that my optic nerves were inflamed which could suggest some increase in pressure in my head and he would like to phone my GP and discuss this with him. So he phoned him there and then and after listening to words like "papilloedema" and "very much to the contrary" he said that the GP was going to phone my oncologist and I was to go home and he would call me later when he had discussed it with my oncologist who might want to see me. At this point I didn't think much of it except... "ooh I may have a bit of hypertension, better take my pressurised head home then".

However I arrived home to a phone call I didn't expect. The GP had talked to my oncologist and they were a bit surprised to hear about this and wanted to see me in clinic 2 days later. He then spent 10 minutes on the phone discussing what could be causing this intracranial pressure. It wasn't nice listening. It could be several causes; Stroke or blood clot in the brain (which was unlikely as I had no other symptoms), early signs of MS, or just random hypertension that they could treat with steroids to preserve my sight. But then he came onto the thing I never in my wildest dreams imagined. With my past history they would be worried that there may be some mass swelling within my brain and causing the increased pressure. The cancer may be there.

I needed to get into see my oncologist. But first I would put the phone down, crumple on the stairs and burst into tears... not now, I felt so well, I was not ready for this!

So two days later on Thursday James and I were back in the place we had hoped we wouldn't be seeing for quite some time. Chemo clinic and seeing my consultant. He looked in my eyes and confirmed that it could just be some hypertension so he would put me onto steroids straight away (joy, oh joy!). However, they had to do some tests to check it wasn't anything suspicious. They would arrange me an urgent brain CT scan.

"how long will this take?"

"This afternoon I hope" Oh, S**t that's quick.

It turns out I couldn't go in until the next day. But turns out the brain CT scan was much like any other scan and took it in my stride - after all I had a spa retreat to get to. But, its quite scary thinking that my brain scan is out there somewhere and it has probably already been looked at and someone somewhere knows what the outcome for me it going to be. That's scary.

So now we wait.... results will come and then we will do what we need to. So for now I am feeling pretty resigned and don't really feel much about it right now.

Wednesday 17th October;

Limbo......

That's how I feel right now. I have spent the last few days feeling sick in my stomach. It's just nerves and that gives me butterflies... which reminds me I have something big to worry about and that gets me more nervous and sick. It's a viscous circle. I have tried to go into work and throw my mind onto that and that has worked OK. I haven't told anyone, and for that I am sorry, but telling people makes it real and I don't want it to be real.

I went to see a counsellor on Monday too. It was totally coincidence that I had this appointment. My breast care nurse had made this appointment for me some time ago to coincide with my return to work. She said that the time when people feel most down and struggle can be the getting back to normal time, when you are expected to bounce back but it doesn't quite work like that. So she referred me to clinical psychology. I went for an assessment 2 weeks ago and basically went through my case and told her how on top of the world I was feeling, enthusiastic to get back to work and normality and how I didn't really feel like I would need these sessions. However, we made a second appointment for this week to complete the assessment where I could decide if I wanted to continue. This weeks appointment couldn't be further from how I went in last time. I needed it, I just needed to voice to someone how scared I was. My biggest fear is that I don't know how I am going to bounce back from this. My whole return to work had been arranged on an optimistic timescale with occupational health because I felt so up for it. It hinged on me being able to happily throw myself into it. Now I am scared I have lost that enthusiasm and excitement and the want to get on with everything. I feel so tired now. I don't know if , all things being OK, I will be able to pick myself back up to the sheer happiness I felt around the time of my party and holiday. But I guess I will do. I hope I get the chance to find out if I can put a little blip of a scare behind me. I hope it is just a scare, although in my heart right now on the night before the results I am not so sure. I will know tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a very long day.

Thursday 18th October;
Its clear! The brain scan looks normal and does not show any tumour masses in my brain.
That's all I need to hear. Relief floods over me. OK so we need to work out what is causing the pressure on my optic nerve and so I will be referred to an eye doctor. But compared to a brain tumour other causes are just so not my problem right now. I can stop the steroids. Yippeeee I hate steroids 7 days of 8mg/day of steroids had left me puffy and flushed, made me have a funny taste in my mouth and eat like there is no tomorrow. I will stop them right now.
I can also have my life back again. James and I had switched right back into the limbo world of not knowing whether we could book anything or do anything because I may have to start treatment again. We wanted to book flights to go to San Fransisco but just couldn't be sure we could go. So now I can start thinking of life again and make some plans. I am going to try and put this all behind me. Although right now I am feeling a little overwhelmed and spaced out. I will just let the news sink in for a little while this evening and perhaps book those flights afterall.

Spoilt Rotten

I have just got back from a Divine weekend being pampered at Ragdale Hall Health Hydro in Leicestershire! Another wonderful charity called the Willow Foundation splashed out for a special day (actually weekend) out with my two close friends Josie and Marie. I wanted to say thanks to them both for being such fab friends from the very moment I found out I had breast cancer, for being there to support me and for understanding that going through chemo can mean being cut off from the outside world and rather than being given space and time to just get on with it, they understood the importance of keeping me in touch with girlie trips out and phone calls. So we all took ourselves off to be pampered for the weekend, and boy, what a weekend....



We arrive Friday afternoon to get ourselves straight into snuggly robes and off for a pedicure to prepare our toenails for a weekend on show. Then it was off for fabulous 3 course meal followed by coffee relaxing in a secluded corner. The next morning it was up for a lovely breakfast in our room and off out for a dip in the pool and chill out before I pootled off to get an pampering hand treatment followed by manicure to match my "Rampant Rose" toes.

More fabulous food followed for lunch and the afternoon was passed having a leg and thigh massage. But I didnt stop there.... Sat night was Champagne with dinner night and sunday was a 50 minute Clarins facial and also a quick eyebrow tidy up. As a result of the facial I happened to come home with a little goody bag of lovely creams, lotions and potions. Oh it felt so divine to be in such luxury - it really was a cut above. I cannot begin to tell you how much I needed it right now... mmmmmmm

Hair Update.

So how is the hair coming along? Actually very well and I think I need to go and get my first hair cut this week. How exciting. I am also going to be going and having my eyebrows shaped this coming weekend to make the most of having eyebrows again. But my most favorite of all is having eyelashes again, I may go out and treat myself to a nice new mascara to celelbrate.

Here are a couple of photos taken while on holiday to show how the hair is looking these days.

Another sucessful day at the office.

My second day back at work went just as swimmingly as the first. I am doing 2 days a week 9:30-4pm. It really felt like normality may be returning and I felt able to concentrate surprisingly well on the job in hand. I am almost chomping-at-the-bit to get back in and start increasing my hours, which I have to admit surprises even myself as just a mere few weeks ago I was a tad scared about how I was going to manage..... but I have come on leaps-and-bounds since then. I appreciate that it is early days yet and the novelty may well wear off and tiredness may get harder to deal with. I am very tired during the evenings after being in work, but it's a good tired - a tiredness borne out of doing something productive not just because of an illness - which is fab.

This week I have also done my first exercise class; an evening aqua aerobics class. I managed pretty well (although I did mainly bob up and down in the water for the whole time rather than doing much in the way of exercise). My arm has also been left quite weedy after surgery and I struggled to push the floats down under the water and therefore I did it using my own hands as just enough resistance for now :D
It's such a nice thing being able to go swimming again. I was advised against it during chemotherapy due to all the nasty little bugs I could come into contact with while my immune system was low. Then during and after radiotherapy the chlorine could have upset my skin. SO finally during my holiday I got out there and swam in the pool and in the sea and it made me really quite happy.

I'm Back!

I am back; not only from holiday but also the old Dawn is now back and raring to get on with life.

Perhaps the best thing about returning home was arriving to a letter on the doormat regarding the results from the bone scan I had before my holiday to check for tumour masses in my bones. The letter said the following;

"I am pleased to report that this scan is reported to be completely normal. This is clearly reassuring. We will see you next in 6 months as previously planned."

Reassuring - clearly!

I am also starting back at work... only part time to start with and I went in unofficially yesterday to get used to it. It really felt good and I am really looking forward to going back in again on Thursday. I am just going to start off on 2 days at the moment and build it up depending on how I go. Bring it on!

A postcard from Corfu!

Having a lovely time here in Kalami. Weather is just right, not too hot but glorious enough. Kalami is perfect, a small village nestled in a hillside bay with just 3 tavernas and two bars to sample. The pace is very slow and just what we were after. We have mainly been eating olives, drinking Mythos Greek beer and relaxing! Occasionally we take the boat taxi to neighbouring Agni bay taverna for dinner. Later in the week we plan to hire ourselves a little boat and go pootling along the coastline to find our own deserted beach. It's just heaven. The aches and pains I have recently been troubled with have all but gone.... perhaps I better relocate to the Mediterranean (James says this is a very good plan).
Right I better get back to that sunshine, there is more serious relaxing to be done.

All is not lost...

I've been into work today and had a 3 hour lab meeting talking hard-core science. Phew my brain hurt. All might not be lost on the old paper publishing front and when I get back to work I can focus on finding out what data I've got and throwing myself into getting a paper published too.
Anyway, today reassured me that it was good to get back into work and think about work things. Admittedly my 3 hour science marathon meant that I had to come home and do a 2 hour sleep-a-thon. Not to worry, it's just a tired week this week - anyone would think I've had a big party or something.
I am due to start back properly the first week of October and have arranged to start on 2 days a week.
Hmmmm now just 2 weeks left of rest and recuperation.... I better get started.

Returning to work

I have been in to see the Occupational Health doctor today who advises on my fitness to work and my scheduled return to work. Today was a bad day to arrange to do this as I am SHATTERED this week (for obvious post-party reasons) and so when he asked lots of questions about how I was feeling, I answered all the wrong answers and it came across as though I was still an invalid and pretty tired-out by daily tasks.
He advised me I shouldn't be too optimistic about getting back to work before Nov/Dec time. By the end of the appointment I was almost shaking him and saying "look how well I am, look at what I can do each day"... but by then he was already convinced.
Admittedly, there is a world of difference between pottering around the house and actually going to work. And just going in to see him today has whacked me and I have crawled my way home on the train and back to the sofa and the good old lap-top to pour out my frustration. But I have to get back on that horse sometime. I know it won't be easy but I had hoped that today we would work out a plan for what hours I should work etc. I guess the fact that I nearly felt like crying (Tamoxifen again!) at the thought of not being able to start back to work in October must mean I am pretty ready for it.

Plus I am feeling pretty depressed and don't actually know what I am going to do when I get back to work because while Dawn was away doing "breast cancer" it looks like the scientific world hasn't stood around and waited patiently for me to get better and my work has already been published in a really good journal while I have been off sick (and not by me obviously). Dammnnnation!

Cod Liver oil capsules

Well, this blog has finally come round full circle and here I am again talking about Cod Liver Oil capsules. This time I am not attaching them to my nipples (see the very first blog entry for an explanation of this), but I am starting to take them as a dietary supplement in an attempt to lubricate my joints from the inside.
I am really quite achy and stiff, which I think has been much exacerbated by me really going for it at the weekend. Hence, I have been very tired and slept quite a bit for the last 2 days. But, it was worth it.

I have also got myself another repeat prescription of the lovely Tamoxifen. However, I am trying out a different brand this time as the pharmacist tells me that different manufacturers' brands give different people different side effects and it's one of the drugs that they end up buying in separate brands for different people. I am going to have a go with Nolvadex D made by the original manufactures before their patent expired and any tom, dick and harry could make it. It's meant to be purer and I am hoping it will get rid of the body aches. we will see. I would also like it to stop playing havoc with my hormones making me an emotional wreck and prone to teary outbursts for no apparent reason.

Mmmmmm, Hog!

Well, even if I do say so myself; we throw a good party!!!!!

What a wonderful day for it (almost too good as Tweed is a hot fabric to wear). I can happily announce that although my diet may consist of large quantities of meat for breakfast, lunch and dinner over the next few days, we have very few left overs from the hog roast. We managed to work our way through at least 120 Hog Rolls (not including any meat consumed in pitta, french stick or the absence of bread product). If you didn't go home from my party stuffed and unable to eat another thing then you didn't enter into the spirit of it quite franky :) My good husband selflessly consumed 7 Hog rolls! and thanks to those of you who took a hog-roll with you for the long journey home.
It really did mean so much to have so many good friends there with me and I enjoyed the party so much. I did even shed an emotional tear when the last person left the next day after having so many of you pop back round to consume even more of the meat for us.
Thanks to the little team of "My B*tches" who continued all the little jobs which needed finishing once I had excitedly got distracted by something else.
For those who had to leave before the best costume prize-giving ceremony, the results were as follows;


Best Townie was awarded to Moira for the maximum amount of burberry one person can wear (you enjoy that Lambrini!)




Joint winners of Best Country were Zoe (Scarecrow) and "The Cows"











Best Fusion by a clear margin of course went to Dave and Ben.





I also have a cheeky late-breaking prize announcement












"The Lord and Lady of the Manor"

So Excited!

Oh, I am so excited I can hardly sit still. I really can't - and as for sleeping I am far too excited to do that at the moment.

Why am I so excited? because I am going to have an end-of-treatment party (if you haven't had an invite - get in touch!). It is hopefully going to be a huge turning point for me; I will have a party, go for the final push on the R&R on holiday in Corfu and then be totally ready to put the last year behind me and start a new phase and get back to work. Hoorah! I really have needed to take these few extra weeks after finishing radiotherapy to build up my confidence that I can do normal things again and have the energy to survive them. Now I am ready to move on!

Tamoxifen is still going fine. I definitely am suffering with joint aches and stiffness from the tablets... i.e in the little joints of my toes and fingers and mainly my knees - but that I can cope with now that I have some energy back (with a little help from strong pain killers to help me sleep at night).

A week of Tamoxifen

I have been taking tamoxifen for a week now and all seems well and I feel good. No hot flushes to speak of, which is good. However, I don't know whether it is related to the Tamoxifen but this last week I have generally ached, had a bad back pain, and my joints have seized up quite badly. Quite a few times I have hobbled around like my old chemo Taxol days, but then equally quite a few times I have dashed around and am now faster than the OAP's on Skipton high street - Hoorah! It feels great to be held up by doddering old ladies whom I am trying to get past :D

My bone scan went OK. I had a few hours to kill in between getting the radioactive injection and sitting in the big gamma machine. The scan itself was fine but I had to lie still for a total of 20 minutes to scan my whole body and my arms ached from holding them out at the end of it. It was however very exciting to look over and catch a glimpse of my very own skeleton flash up on the screen. I haven't got another doctors appointment to get these results, but I figure they will contact me if there is anything that shows up that needs worrying about.

I am generally starting to get on with life after chemo now and am trying to build up my daily activity levels to get me fighting fit for my return to work. Although I have found it quite hard to know exactly what to say to the question I seem to get asked these days...

"have you had the all clear?"

I don't know quite how to answer it. I suppose I have in as much as I have been told to go away and not come back to see the oncologist for 6 months - that has allowed me a little bit of closure. As far as they can tell we have removed the solid tumour and I have given my body the best shot with chemo and radiotherapy. However, I haven't got a marker that shows whether the chemo has worked for me. There was no tumor to shrink and even my hair started growing on the second half of treatment. So we just hope that the chemo has worked and killed any remaining cancer cells in my body.
The next 2 years are the "high risk" years. There is a high risk of the cancer coming back in the first 2 years after treatment. There is still a risk extending out to 5 years. After that it isn't risk free but its a pretty good outcome. I couldn't quite bring myself to ask the oncologist what the likely chances are of a recurrence would be for my individual case. I figure I am better off not knowing that statistic and what will-be-will-be.
Now I am just going to try my hardest to get back to the Dawn I was before all this; before I thought about breast cancer a lot, before I constantly was assessing "how do I feel today?". I am starting to get there already. At times I could even forget that I have just been through chemo, during it I could hardly contemplate what a day-in-the-life of a non-chemo person could be! Now I can, and it's pretty good!

Weddings and dancing.

I popped my first tamoxifen last night, and as expected, I am none-the-wiser I took it. What a chicken I was!!!

I have also been to a wedding this weekend. I have to confess to having a jolly big blub in the church. I was just thinking how lovely the bride looked walking down the isle and how it was a year since I was doing it and how at that point we didn't know what was to come around the corner and then... bam.... my eyes started leaking all over the place. Luckily that sort of thing is completely allowed at weddings and I got it relatively under control and was able to sit back and enjoy the rest of the service which was lovely. Thankfully my eyelashes are also not yet long enough to really benefit from mascara so I didn't have to worry about that running all over the place. Later on there was a ceilidh and I even got up and did 2 dances with my new found energy (one of them being with a 6 year old boy as my partner so I didn't need to worry about over exerting myself).

I am off for my bone scan on Wednesday which means going in for an injection of radioactive tracer in the morning and then waiting 3 hours for it to be taken up into my bones before going back for the scan later that afternoon. I think I will take doctors orders during this time to go and do a little bit of shopping!

So, Tamoxifen....

I am thinking about taking my first Tamoxifen tablet tonight. I have the little packet of 28 days worth of pills sitting here looking at me.....
.... yet, I can't quite bring myself to take it....
I am going to have to... but, I have enjoyed having 12 treatment free days and was just starting to feel like my body was side-effect free.
I'll take it later before bed.

Little baby steps.

I have had a brilliant letter through from the occupational health doctor regarding getting ready for my return to work;

"You should focus on pacing activity, and slowly increasing it, focusing on those matters concerned with getting through the necessities (such as paying bills, shopping etc.)".

Woo Hoo, I have been given doctors orders to go shopping!!!! If he meant grocery shopping he should have been more specific!

I am feeling better by the day and almost forgot what it was like to be on chemo. However, yesterday I had a flashback when a chemo-fatigue crash happened while in Leeds. I had forgotten how hard and fast it can hit and it reminded me exactly what I have been through and to not get complacent. Little baby steps is the way to go.

It's the little things in life...

.... like hearing the words;

"The CT results are back. Your lungs look normal, your liver looks normal, there are no enlarged lymph glands to worry about"

that can really put a smile on your face :)

I still have a bone scan to go on the 22nd August. But all being well, the oncologists has told me to go away and they will see me again in 6 months!

I have also made the decision on the next stage of treatment. I have decided (and the oncologist agreed) that taking Zoladex to shut down my ovaries and put myself through an early, prolonged menopause was going a bit far. I will therefore start taking tamoxifen tablets and see how I tolerate it, if I tolerate it well then I might as well keep taking them. If I don't tolerate it well then I don't have to feel bad about deciding it isn't for me and stop taking it. Sounds fair to me!

p.s to all my work folk, I was well chuffed that during today's appointment I managed to discuss clonal selection with my oncologist!

Up, Up and Away!!!!

Well, I have just had the most wonderful anniversary ever!!!

James and I went away to the beautiful Peak District. We spent a day near Bakewell going for a little walk/rock scramble and then, after a long fabulous lunch at the Druids Inn in Birchover, we relaxed in the sun by the river at Bakewell Showground.

However, these were not the main attractions and reasons for going. Obviously it was our Balloon ride! The weather conditions prevented our morning flight, however, we were able to reschedule it for Sunday evening and after spending most of the weekend trying to second guess the weather conditions and whether we would fly, all systems were go in the end - Hoorah!






Riding High!

The balloon ride was just the most fantastic experience ever. I can't begin to tell you, but I will have a good go! We got stuck right in helping to inflate the balloon and set it all up ready for our "Exclusive for Two" flight. Then it was jump in and lift off. Take off was a really funny sensation, like being on a huge open air elevator that went very high and very quick. I loved the feeling, it felt really smooth and safe being up there. We first flew over the peak district and Chatsworth house and then the wind carried us over the rooftops of Chesterfield. We flew pretty low over the houses and I felt like royalty gliding over and waving hello to the people below.

The landing was real good fun and the basket ended up on its side so we felt we had a real balloon experience. No bruises as I had James to hold on to and protect me (i.e cushion my fall!)
All in all it was just amazing (have I said that already!!!). It is all thanks to a wonderful peak-district based charity called Challenge Cancer Through Adventure. They arranged it all for me and covered all the costs and even turned up to get stuck in with the balloon inflating. I cannot begin to express how much I appreciate it. Also, the wonderful Dragon Balloon Company folk who took us up into the air. I would recommend them to anyone. Thanks everyone from James and I!

Scanned.

That's the CT scan done and dusted.

Thankfully I didn't know before hand that a cannula was going to be involved or I might not have breezed in so carefree.... but despite the nurse saying that she could see it was a well-used vein and a bit on the tough side (cheeky!), there were no problems hooking me up.
I had to drink a jug full of nasty tasting liquid during the 30 minutes before the scan, even blackcurrant squash didn't make it taste nice.
I also had to get injected with a radioactive tracer... the nurse told me that I might get hot and flushed and feel like I had wet myself, but that was completely natural!!!!!! what on earth!!!! but when the injection happened - I suppose I could see what she meant.

Then it was just on a table which moved back and forward through the big spinny machine (good scientific term hey!) and I had to breathe in, breathe out, breathe in... hold it..... hold it.......hold it.... breathe out. And that was pretty much it. Well, apart from the radioactive pee that I probably have now :D

Things are still feeling good. My red patch is real sore now :( If I stretch up to quick it is quite painful and feels like I am splitting the skin, which is not nice. Quick grab the tube of aqueous cream and slather it on.
I also am a little miffed that I thought aches would be a thing of the past now free of the Taxol. However, this week I have felt a little like I have been six rounds in the boxing ring. Mainly the small of my back aches like I have been really sitting wrong and despite not having the energy to do much my muslces are convinced I have been doing squats and crunches. If only I looked as though I had been doing squats and crunches....

Woo Hoo....

After a little set back a week ago when all my eyelashes and eyebrows fell out all over again.....

.... I am now sprouting a zillion little new eyelashes!

Oh, how I have missed mascara!

Right I am now off to eat lots this evening because in the morning I will be fasting before my scan :(

Rest and Recuperation.

It feels so nice to not be receiving any treatment this week. I am starting to feel much better than I did on chemo.

I have been told that the after effects of Radiotherapy will sadly get worse before they get better. So the next few weeks may have to still be a little low key. Generally redness on what I am terming the "Greater Breast Area" is receding. However the smaller square patch that surrounds my scar and extends under my armpit (where I received my boosters) is getting pretty red now. I have been given some dressings in case the skin starts to breakdown but I am hopeful that it is holding up very well.

My body is still very tired and I will have to make allowances for it for a little while yet. I have made an appointment with occupational health for the 12th Sept about planning my return to work. This will be a scaled return to work to build me back up to full hours gradually.

As for the future of this blog.... I will still be writing the blog as I will continue to get check-ups, doctors appointments and this-and -that to do with the cancer for some time (i.e for ever). However hopefully I will gradually start to move away from "cancer land" and it will become more like popping back now-and-then as opposed to all the time. To reflect this I have changed the title of this blog to 'living with breast cancer' as opposed to 'beating breast cancer'. I have come to realise that the words 'cure' and 'remission' don't really apply to breast cancer because it can rear it's ugly head again at any point. Therefore, I think the term the doctors would use for me now would be "NED" or "No Evidence of Disease". But, that will do very nicely for me :D

I have to go for a Thorax and Abdomen CT scan on Friday and then an appointment with my Oncologist for more of the Tamoxifen discussions next Tuesday. That's all fitted around this exciting hot-air balloon ride.... I don't dare to hope the weather will remain like this for the weekend.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done!

That's it!

I especially requested that Kylie sang me out on my last one :)

Give the girl an Oscar.

Well, I have reached it! It is my last one.

I am feeling quite excited about getting what will hopefully be my last ever hospital-based hard-core treatment. I cannot guarantee that I won’t feel a bit emotional later on. But, with Kylie to sing to, I can hopefully get through the last treatment without a blub (tears of happiness obviously).

Gosh, I have made it. It wasn't all that bad! (Ha ha I can say that now!).

I count myself so lucky that I have had so many people there to support me through it. A great family who have treated me just like the same old Dawn. Only my brother could continue to take the piss out of me and get away with it, and I love him all the more for it too! Laughter being the best medicine and all that. I also have very special friends who realised how important it was for me to have something to look forward to and who visited me and took me out of the house! I know so many people who’s outlook on life has been changed knowing what I have been through and that can only be a good thing. You never know what’s round that corner!

A week on Sunday it will be my 1^st Wedding Anniversary too. The last year has been both the best and the worst year of my life. I am so glad that I have been married throughout all this. It really makes a difference to say “My husband will be taking me to chemo” and “My husband will be coming to the appointment with me”. James has helped me get through this more than anyone could imagine. Little did we know on 12^th August last year when we made vows to support each other through life how poignant they would turn out to be. He has been there at every doctor’s appointment, held my hand through every chemo treatment, kept my spirits up when they could have been down and just been the best husband a girl could ask for. I am not going to apologise for getting all soppy here, I am so proud of him and that he has supported me through everything, cared for me when I needed it and kept things running while having to work harder than ever. It hasn’t been easy but he has been my rock and I am sure we could face whatever the future may bring together. I love him now more than ever before!

Wow, this has almost turned into an Oscar acceptance speech, Gwyneth Paltrow eat your heart out! After I finish typing this post I will be heading off to get that last zapping and I better go now before I start blubbing all over my laptop!

Whippppeeeeeeeeeeee!

And Yes, I will be having a glass of champagne tonight!

(and next weekend too when James and I have our “Exclusive-for-two” Hot-air balloon ride arranged for us by a cancer charity to celebrate the end of treatment and our anniversary, but more info on that should the weather hold out for it to go ahead).